Blue Jacket On A koala!

Seven thirty in the evening and I was still not sure I was going to fly to a land far far away. I know these days distances do not mean anything at all. But in my opinion, its all a make-believe, something which people just do not try to think about, just so that they can feel safe - that is one feeling which drives mankind to do whatever it does. A warm feeling of security. That was in plenty at the place I was going to be in less than twelve hours. And that was there too at the airport - My heart always starts beating faster when I undergo a security check. And I am sure if they have a lie-detection test at that time, I would fail even at the question of whether I can breathe!

Anyways, after a lovely farewell by RT, Hennu and Tannu, I was all by myself. A delay over an hour for the departure and the announcement that the plane would take a slightly different route, were fueling my euphoria. And after all the waiting, I was there flying over an invisible but seemingly present ocean - and the sunrise was as beautiful as it could get ... the various shades of blue getting transformed in the bright light - animated :) The setting sun from my floor window reminds me of it a great deal, everyday.

Landing, security check - once again, and getting out of the airport in a taxi - into what can be described only as a theme park. Even the rain seemed so designed. one beautiful thing to notice (well everything is beautiful here) is the hospitality (no wonder it is a tourist center) and their way of handing something with both the hands (the hotel bill for example). Everything is so green that one can just keep gazing and never feel tired. The way the architecure seemlessly integrates with the nature is awesome - just echoing the fact how different people from all over have been residing here concealing all differences. Seemingly so, at least. (Later I came to know how Singaporeans and "the others" are differentiated with the policies, as everywhere else).

I still experience in my head, the rain from an air conditioned cab (did I mention that everything, well almost everything here is air conditioned, because of the humid weather). Gazing outwards in the cab, with the seat belt on (always - or else a huge fine is imposed) I would wonder what kind of a destiny the islad had (everything has certain things decided for itself) ... from just a community of fishermen with coconut leaf huts to a business hub with infrastructure itself worth a chunk of the entire global economy, this place sure had some huge changes to see.

Parks, ferries, Malls, lights n ribbons, pubs, saunas, market places, eat outs, gyms - this place sure has more to offer always. On my way to and from work I missed and talked about India to the cab drivers - friendly people who faintly knew what/where Bangalore is. One asked if it is so much colder that it snows. There were other people too, from Australia for the project thing ... I was gifted a very cute koala with a blue jacket! :) And suddenly I felt the nostalgia is just a thing to pass ... the days are numbered and so living in the present is so important!

Song: Livin' Lavida Loka ...

Sunshine!

It was the night before Valentine's day and I had put in a CD of what I had heard will be a sweeping motion picture! And it began with "Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap". How apt! From then on, it clinged on to me as it is even now! Joel and Clementine were so out of the world, still so lovable. What makes two souls come together will always remain a riddle for me. In my experience, what makes two people even like each other is pre-determined. Eyes communicate and speak volumes. And then when there is a possibility of liking, there is always the one who initiates. How and why, I do not understand as I have not experienced it yet. Just as in liking, there is always the one who likes more (There is always a one in a relationship who loves more. I do not want to be that one).

Everything that is created out of a liking has to be worked on, just as anything else. It has to be dusted and polished to be kept alive. There is always the one who wants to go away. And then there is the other one who does one of these two things - "lets go" or "asks to stay"! So many people that I met and made friendship with or did not like much and still remained in touch, and so many other people about whom I heard in the gossips or normal discussions fall in the former type. Even myself. I do not understand why does it become so difficult to say it in reality - to stay! Just stay ... why? ... i do not know ... just stay! That is what Clementine tells her Joel and as Joel tells his Clemecmy! They laugh in confusion - they dont know why. There are always such moments when we just do not know what to do - just smile / laugh! May be because there is a hope of what is coming will surely be great.

Joel: It would be different if we could just give it another go-around.Clementine: Remember me. Try your best. Maybe, we can.

I bet all the broken hearts everywhere have these same lines to speak. But they just dont do it aloud.

With that sunshine spilling all over ... the sunshine that shook my sleep away, that turned the night into a day and that made the day after so sunny that I just couldnot be out in the sun, made me stay home all day long ... thinking. How much right do we have on our own selves? This is MY body, this is MY mind, these are MY memories, and we go on. Whereas in reality it all belongs, is provided by, is built by someone else. However easy it might be to deny and reason otherwise.

Song: Some time!

Such A Lovely Place!

An early morning after a late night, I am sure, does not sound good. When it happened, it did not seem good too! But then what happened after, was surely, surprisingly and excitingly good!
Aunty, Palls, RT and me - all boarding a cab with KP - dropping him at Cubbon and heading ahead - me in the front and the rest at the back seat. The morning showed it was going to be a memorable day! Among the first things that struck my notice was this huge fly-over - on the way to Mysore it was there for a long stretch - reminded me of some street (i dont remember it anymore as it was in one of my unnamed adventures at Mumbai 4 years back) and also of what Hosur Road, Bangalore will look like in 4 years from now! A piece for letting imagination fly, am sure!

Soon after we crossed this marvel, what was supposed to be a "chatting all the way" became a slumber for the back-seaters! And I gazed on from the huge highway that carried us so peacefully to some place where they say the past resides! Thinking of past, I felt in those rocky montains, a similarity and homeliness of the very first family picnic my mind could remember. Of that and all those we ever had and of the vast openness that my village visits gave me to wonder and wander on ... I felt would never come back. Growing up sure keeps somethings for the memories. You just cannot do them as you did them as a kid. You just couldnot stop the car and go ahead and move around in the foothills till it grew dark, unless you were out for moutaineering that is! But you sure can go to a particular site, which would give you a beautiful sight of the sunset - just like the one we had in Abu. I will surely remember it! I thought I just can remember it! But surprises are always in store!

ThiruNarayana temple - was our first stop (How I wish I could have a cam of my own to have so many snaps of the places I visit and from all the angles my eyes could make at them - will have one very soon). Everything was enchantingly mesmerizing. Divinity and Sanity flooded the place with light, even in those dimly lit sanctorums. The first meal of the day at the MahaLaxmi temple was quite a treat! We left and moved on to the Narasimha temple on the hilltop! Reaching there, covering the way on the stairs reminded of Abu again. With every step the tiredness grew and what I had thought would remain just to remember was there - right in front of my eyes again - the same vastness that showed us the sunset two years back. What goes away, sure goes away to come back. Everything was beautiful in that lovely place!

The palace was a quick visit post-lunch and a shopping that I think became syonymous with Sophie's choice. With all its grandeur the palace stood ... but I could not hear anyone talking about what its soul was / is. Rather what its body is right now was much of a concern ... a thing about obvious beauty (I will talk about this sometime). Later, the gothic Church seemed to superimpose and jam the thought processes for a while. Returning, the sunset was not visible or may be I forgot how it looked like ... as the things I saw in that single day were still getting processed by my mind ... settled and racked.

Song: Are you kidding!

Surrendering More!

Its half past eight in the evening and here I sit on the third floor of this building - Its call America. Its situated at the heart of this city, its supposed to be in the main business district and is located in a visually posh part of this city! Chennai - I had all kinds of apprehensions about this place! Wondering how it would be, how it would treat me and how I would relate to it! To my surprise, it is just another place, a city that is huge - much bigger than Bangalore is. It is humid (as of now it is just cool and not hot) a bit and I am loving it. People are surely amused by me - the voice and the hair! :) But that is going out as a positive as they come by so good and loving - to be particular, quite respectful - most of the time! The autowallas are a nightmare and, I think being a city, it just has everything in its every damn corner - redundancy I mean! This is my first experience of getting exposed to a city. Life has been quite a steady ladder till now. Ramagundam (Completely isolated), Kahalgaon (partly remote), Gandhinagar (Well what can I say), Bangalore (the first city) and then Chennai - it all seems so very planned and incremental that I just surrender more! :) I still have to find a house, a place which I think I will keep as I had dreamt of it in Bangalore. Quite an urgent removal of me from the city it was - kind of thrown out of the place - but I think faster the pace, lesser the pain of removing a band-aid! I wish and hope I am taken care of all the while I am here. Right now a colleague is helping me get back to the guest house. It has got a toaster there and I am having a lot of breads! Would get back with more soon! Many things to speak about but this one came first. With many epilogues to come, if things dont seem in order, just go by :)

Song: NA

The Ear-rings that looked silver!

Now the sunday was quite a day for me. I was at home in the morning ... woke up and thought would just relax. But then Yatin's friends came over for some meeting they had. I dint know the poeple nor did i like their presence. So just stayed back at home till the time i could withstand them. (We have talked it through now and found out a solution :) thanks to him.) So i was waiting and wishing for some engagement. Then he called - for the information he had to get from me for some thesis of his. We had talked a few days back but i forgot. I was elated that he called for the remainder of the meeting which was set in half an hour and just more than happy to leave my room!

CCD - he was before time and i was sipping cola as i reached. I mean what the hell was that? I was going to a coffee bar and just before that i was having chilled cola! I dont know but i found it awkward. He was ready already ... for it - with pen and paper and tape ... and his own self. As i sat he explained me about his thesis, his intentions from the meeting and if i had any doubts. I said no and we proceeded.

My native, family, parents, siblings, my personal life, college, bangalore, work, interets, hobbies, stay - everything covered we were also about to finish the coffee. He was having latte (hazelnut flavour) while i had cappuccino (Irish flavour). The meeting ended with all of what i said in shortnotes and tape. And we spoke about his life too ... in brief. I desperately wanted to pay the bill as since last 3 days i was being paid for, by the ones i was goign out! So i grabbed it and started off to pay.

We bade goodbye with the formal thanks and stuff. I was thinking about how the meeting going on at home should have come to an end now. And how i could just o to my cozy bed and relax. We walked in opposite directions though i wanted call him and ask about his earrings. Just that if the ear-rings that looked silver were really silver!

Song: Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi ...

Sometimes!

Now this is something he always used to think when he saw her:

Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
(It comes to me as a dream)

One day his best friend came to him and said how she was having so much trouble with her. Though she loved him and he loved her, she was not able to understand her completely. And he listened to the best friend for a long time, suggest where he thought he could help and the best friend left to sleep. He was left with wondering thought ... is people are in love, why and how do they not understand each other! Wondering about such things he went to sleep, he not knows when.

Soon he saw a great fight and the best friend left the place for a long long time. And she was left with just him. They would meet everyday and walk for a long time. (Yes she loved walking. She would say they should keep walking so that they can think more with every passing screen of air and they can talk more with every moment of being together while passing through space!) He would agree as other male friend of his never walked so much. And then they would go for movies, study for the exams together and she would always bring the vanilla flavoured ice-cream for her whenever she happend to go out! He had once told her that was his favourite.

One cold and wet evening it was raining hard. He was all wet from coming to the canteen without and umbrella and he saw her sitting by the window. A little time later he came to her with two cups of hot coffee. As they sipped she told him how the ebst friend had come back and how this has opened a flood of emotions for him as well as her. He had no idea about it and was now wondering if he was really his "best friend".

He assured her how the best friend had strong feelings for her and how she should gibe it a try once more. He began speaking about relationships and misunderstandings and how tough it can get and how one should leave behind all of them for the pure and simple reason of just love. He felt himself having grown up and become a lot intellignt than the night he was wondering about the same things he had lectured. And I feel sometimes, you just write. The sentence ends there!

Song: Beautiful ...

The Show!

It was four and she was praying. It was sunny but she felt coudy. It was breezy but she felt suffocated. Everything was inviting but she felt restricted. It was then in the sunny afternoon when he sent a message to her for the play that was goign on in the nearest theater. The show was in the evening. The theater was nearest to him but so far to her. And then at the end of the message he had asked ... "hope you do not mind coming so far". To that she replied ih the message ..."Non not a problem. I shall be there by the time!".

The theater was on a hill. So distinct and so grand. She had heard but not yet seen as she had never been to that part of the polis. And she prepared herself for the evening. She was so indifferent to the event that was going to happen that she was dressed just casually. Still her locks falling by her shoulders and a simple gown of black and white made her look as graceful as ever. Used to the admiring looks from passersby she placed herself in the carriage and it moved.

By about the sunset she reached the point on the hill where they were supposed to meet. She looked her through the carriage and waved. And he helped her get down. They talked and he said her, "I though you would be taller". She said,"Of i am, than many!". And they laughed. He said how this place was one of the best theaters in the polis and one of the oldest and grandest. How he had started coming there just as a child. She sure was imprressed. They went in and the show began.

She knew it was by Shakespeare - a story of human relationships - a story of mistrust, misplaced trust and dilemma. She had read Othello already and was excited to watch it on stage. He had no idea about it! So he expected what was not goign to come. And by the time Desdemona's handkerchief was being circulated among so many people he was completely bersek! She was understanding and started explaining him about the play's emotional content that was guided by jealousy - strangely among men and not women in this case, and human nature in general. She was so swept by Desdemona's dedication ... she wished she could be one!

It was cold and silent when Othello stabbed himself. She could hear suppressed sobs from somewhere and her own throat was heavy. She knew they would leave the theater and leave for their homes in a while. But what all she could think of was dedication of Desdemona. How one can surrender all of oneself in love inspite of what the other person is, whatever happen may! She had prayed for a fine match this afternoon and what she was given was a quality that one requires to have in order to be worty of someone really good. May be one day when HE knows she is worty of it, she will get the one made for her.

Song: -

One that is Perfect!

And we sat at the Barista after a long and tiring (for him and refreshing for me) walk. I had a blast and so did he. I always wanted to have it since the time i had a severe cold and had to have a hot cinammon coffee and he had a blast). Yeah, now that was ages ago. We continued talking ... about people, himself, his family, myself, my family, the weather, the smoke - the one that was floating strandwise inside and the foggy one that was outside, movies - i was excited about the animation ones as usual, and then to people again.

That how poeple have a list (consciously or otherwise) of things that should be present and get matched precisely in one so as to begin a relationship. There should be no compromise at all. In a way that is good as one need not make her/himself sad at any point with the trouble of adjusting with someone in a relationship. That might also prevent the circumstances of making one fall out of a relationship. That, i really wonder, if is happening any lesser than it used to, in the past. But how much have i seen the world to comment at all!

And then this thought came rushing into my mind - that of our parents ... the generation before us - basically to tag it so. How was the relationships sustained in that generation? How did poeple come closer in that era? How did they liked and stood by the person they were in a relation with, inspite of all the flaws in her/him? Were the lives of those people any sadder, if not happier? I wonder and I wonder and I wonder where will the process of finding the one that is perfect will ever stop! Should it would be even a better question.

Song: Maker Makes ...

Late One Night!

Early in the morning had to wake up for another round of reactive that was going to be for this entire week. Came home in the eveing, had dinner and was just chatting with everyone. Just then heard some music - the backgroud score of some movie that was playing in the other room. Yatin said it surely is a telugu movie that Ram is watching again. But i felt i had heard it somewhere. And then came this song - papa kehte hain ... I jumped out of the bed. I knew this was the movie - i desired of it - was thinking to show it to mom since the time she was here. Quayamat se quayamat tak is one of mom's favoutrite movie. I myself had seen the flick many times earlier. But this time it was with her. It so happens that when i watch a movie, it has an entirely different effect compared to when i watch them with my parents. My view about Zubeida, Veer Zara and QSQT are only a few examples.

So four of us - Ramu, myself, mom and Saurabh went ahead and watched it from the beginning till the end. Surely Was a wonderful experience. Everyone was gaga over Juhi's performance and all talks abut how kid-like Aamir looked! :) Such few songs and all superhits. Nuances - which of course i was explaining and other stuff too. Every now and then Ramu would keep telling how long the movie has been running for and still not a bit boring. Saurabh seemed like watcing just Juhi on screen. Mom was like re-living every frame. And i was so happy - putting it bluntly.

Late that night when the movie finished at 2 i recollected it as one of my beautiful experiences since i started staying at Bangalore. At least one, which was truely worth of getting late for work.

Song: Ghazab Ka hai Din Dekho Zara ...

Strangely ... They just sang!

It was a cloudy evening. He had come this town from the town he had been working. To this place where there were so many memories of his childhood associated with. He had shifted from a remote beautiful place then. That seems a long back story. Things have changed a lot now. Its no more a small cold and wet town. It has transformed itself into a dry, cool and breezy city. Breeze - now that reminds me of the air, the one that keeps blowing ... and of the people who keep flowing across the city. A city that is now considered so apt for corporates. Well! that is a different story ... so he was here.

And it was not too late when she was in the kitchen heating water for her gargling for her sore throat. This was suggested to her by a dear friend. (We will talk about him some other time as this is not his story, this is his story - the other his.) It was then that she got a call from him. They talked about the beautiful weather, her sore throat, when he was going to leave, how her family was doing, how her work has been, how his family was doing - and they agreed to meet somewhere where he was supposed to recharge his SIM card. She gargled, changed, took her half jacket in case it would be cold and left her appartment.

They met at this place which he said - was so much wide those days. He told her how he wanted to take her to a place where there was a fair being organised of the region where she belonged to. She said she couldnot wait to be there. And they were there. The looked at the "pattachitras", which were awesome. They looked at the kantha and sambalpuri sarees which they couldnot stop admiring. They also looked at the intricate woodwork. The carpets were as beautifully romantic as ever. And there were spices and pickles, paintings and jewellery, incense and heena, and they were just lost.

He got a call - and she got a slight jerk - he talked and she moved around. In between he asked if she was getting bored. She smiled wide and said, "oh pelase carry on - its so great here, i just cannot stop looking". She was hearing (over-hearing) but she did not want to. He was coming nearer talking and she wanted to move away - she was moving away. Everytime she paused he would come closer talking on the phone. It seemed it was a long ... long call. And strangely she couldnot know the reason. Then she came out of the fair with him after her. He finished his call and she suggested to take a walk to his place before she moved to hers. And they walked. She sang and he joined. she did not talk - she just sang. And they walked before they said goodbye.

Song: Piya Tora Kaisa Abhimaan ...

Gone and Away!

And this just happens so much - while one goes away someone comes in to fill the spaces. Not exactly the same way as it was filled up before but in some other way. In some form that is unique and in somw way that would not have been the same. It doesnt seem far when this guy from the then "not my" team was selected to train me for working in the team. Since then our desks were fixed. He sitting just behind me and helping me as and when required with just a call away! This has really been a special time as i could not have got a better work environment. He made my stay real easy and i wonder how it will be once he is left.

But then i think it is always like that. People who relly love you are there when you get into something - to support you and make you life for that moment easy. And what better example can be that of our parents? Remember the time when you first held their fingers and took your walk? No you wont. Remember the time when they helped you with your first lessons in cycling? Yes you would! Well that is it. They are just there to give you a foothold and then you grow and climb upwards!

And now that he just has a week left, it is being such a thing - the sweet feeling that comes when you know that though this is not the end, it is going to come soon and then there will be no coming back, but everything is happening for the best as it does ever. The refreshing feeling that brings a smile on one's face and the beautiful feeling of letting something go (not that you can do much about it here :)). The wonderfully fulfilling sense which comes with one knowing that soon someone of certain importance in one's life is going to be far and away!

Song: Janeman Janeman Palat Teri Nazar ...

Spread it Wide!

A beautiful weather outside. Clouds so nearby, wind on such a high! And today is the day juniors would come to this place as i had come one day! So was hoping to dee some in the lunch, but none was visible. We took a small walk - with my colleagues - and then had a small chitchat in the lawn. but when it started to drizzle, we came back. I was just on the desk for a moment when i felt i was thirsty! So moved to fetch some drinking water!

Saw my practice head sitting by the window ... windows are small in our section. Somtimes i wonder how it is a strange thing in an office with buildings having huge large glass pane windows that i am put in a building where neither windows have any importance or they have any see. Of all people it seems i shud be kept enclosed in many boundaries. And may be becasue of that, destiny allocated me such particularly closed space to spend a huge chunk of my time.

And then i think may be it serves anopther purpose! A purpose where the need to look and observe is not towards out but its focussed mainly inwards. Something that is difficult to understand but something that should be understood. Having a tendency to move away from myself and look into a space that is other than mine, i am sure it was high time for me to look inside. May be it was time for me to know myself better before proceeding any further in life. And so there is this enclosure where i would encounter myself many times more than others!

But it is not about that. It is about a feeling of mine where i dream of moving away (as talked up there) not in terms of walking, but something of the sort of flying away. And the feeling was concretised by the visualisation of X-men 3 where there is this guy with huge white feathery wings. The feeling of spreading my huge wings wide and giving myself one push which will take me high towards the wide spread blues.

So passing past the cubicles, away from mine, looking at my practice head - who has so much work to do and so many obligations to fulfill - just staring through the small brickless space which we call window, this feeling was reborn in me! To be a huge birdie and just fly away to somewhere - into vasts of space!

Song: Humko Hamein Se Chura Lo ...

And She Walks!

There were many things. But let me just talk of lights, music and action! He sits there watching the space in front of him. He thinks he is interested in the creations of a man! And so he looks forward for their display. Everything seems glam. He seems lost. He thinks not. Everyone look pretty. He asks not why. He smiles wide - because someone said it was good. :) And then she comes in. Comment on her awkward posture - isn't her upper body bent backwards? Well but then she cares not! She smiles and sways and walks and shows! And she seems happy till she turns. What she sees - is not sure ... whom she shows - is no sure ... as the floodlights sure would have blinded her!

He thinks he wants to smell her, but not touch her. But he cannot as she is far. Her hair is well made ... with a huge pink lilly in it. She wears just clothes and accessories dont show. She kind of slides on the floor when she walks and the drags flow away from her. Her neck long and stiff and her collar bones showing so prominent. Almost a spotless skin - gleaming where it shows ... beginning from where the clothes end! The heels she wears would be tall are transparent.

Transparent but she is not! Seems her glowing skin just reflects every thought that is pointed towards her. Seems as if whatever is inside her does not come out of the glasshouse. Seems she would be here for long but then as she would be gone ... she would not be there at all. What a pity to be just gone, as you are gone! What a pity to be there and then to be gone and not to be remembered! But seems, she doesnot care! She turns round and round and round and then the lights move on to some other one! He observes the resemblance but similar and same were never the same and never would be!

He waits again for such a moment which was gone and will always be cherished. A moment where everything else is frozen but she, just she looks and she walks.

Song: A one night stand ...

One side of a conversation!

The other day i was taking a walk from my place to the Forum and from there towards the Ganapati temple. At some lonesome bus stop i heard someone talking to some other one on the phone. The mood of the conversation was dark, as was the evening. Clouds overshadowing the already dwindling lights of the sky. Such events do occur in everyone's life when we scream on others, i thought. And then i just walked on. But i surely have not had such an occassion in a long long time now! I have relished those moments when i was the "screamer", so to say - keeping accumulating things in my heart till one day it became utterly unbearable for me. And then everything would come out - with complete details - on to the person for whom it is meant!

Now that nothing like that has occurred in ages, i thought why not just be there and hear it for a while - hearing at times is much more powerful than just thinking. I got this idea after i came out of my college. Its like so many people around and so many motivations dangling in the air that unless you clearly spell out what your motivation and plan is - by speaking it / about it again and again - it become difficult to proceed. (I do not deny the presence of some silent tigers among us!)

The conversation:

"I am not in a mood to talk now"
"Ok! fine its alrite ... i mean everythings fine ... you couldnt make it yesterday nite"
"Yeah i was just there ... standing and waiting for you to come"
"mmhmmm ... ok! so u just got stuck up somewhere is it?"
"Fine you dont have to say sorry - you got stuck somewhere ..."
"I am alrite ... why do you ask this again and again"
"Listen ... call me sometime later ... i ..."
"Ok so give me your number so that i can call you"
"Some other time? mmhmm ..."
"So you say we can meet only if i come to the party and not otherwise is it?"
"At least your name ..."
"Oh that too is suposed to be surprise is it?"
"No dont ... why should i trust you anyway! anymore!"
"Listen why have you called me back ? I just had a good day and was leaving for home."
"Why suddenly would you feel that you were feeling bad about what happened?"
"Look! standing there in the midnight ... supposedly waiting for you ... do you think that was easy?"
"You come, look at me from different angles, from diffferent sides, and run away making me feel like a fool there!"
"Of course! what do you think? i am not such a fool who could not notice someone checking me out!"
"Wow! so it was "something" that made you not to come to me huh!"
"Listen! i do not you and you do not me. of what i think will make no difference to you whatsoever. But you have made for yourself a place in my heart where i will remember you only with hatred."
"You may be a good person and if so you do not have to get an award for it. just go away."

Song: Dil ko hazaar baar roka ...

A Proofless Life!

Today i felt the weather is just perfectly hot to be in Forum, roaming around there or read a book in the Landmark or sip a coffee at webworld. As always i enter the loo as soon as i get into the mall. And who i see there - a long lost friend. He is there and i couldnot believe he is there. We meet, he buys some peanuts from near the road, I detest them but share some. We sit at a place to the side of the "ramp" and continue talking. He speaks of his life till now. And i am more than happy to listen to him. He speaks of his school - three different ones in all and strong bonds everywhere. He speaks of his primary school where he had made many-many friends and all of them were lost ... for this long. He has discovered some of them through Orkut it seems but doesnot dare to meet them. I say how utterly ridiculous!

The he speaks of how he had been till tenth in one, after that, of which only memories remain. All who knew him in the school are now gone - all lost and scattered to wind! But still orkut has been helpful for keeping some of the lost ones to be met again. And then for the next two years he goes to a place very different to where he has been till then. He makes a few gud friends who keep in touch throughout.

After it came the college which literally "blows his mind". A place where you see and meet people in hundreds, who are not very different from you, though motivation and ambition might vary. Suddenly out to such an environment, he says, he struggles hard to keep himself afloat and survives! He says he was for a purpose there - and not just academics. A superior purpose of developing a personality and discovering himself. And when i asked if he was successful he answers in affirmative. I feel happy for this friend who has achieved what he wanted to, may be!

And then he asks me one question - if sometime i want to trace his life can i? I answer yes. But then he says correcting me - that i may trace his existence but not his life! Before i could ask anything he says he needs to leave. By this time it already has started raining. I do not ask why. I ask him if we can meet later ... he says sure, whenever! :) I see him off - he almost like gets camouflaged in the crowd of people and soon i no longer am able to trace him, standing at that entrance of forum! So i just start walking back to my home wondering really how proofless "lives" can be where u have no clue what happened in a life. You can say that a person lived here and did this but it was how he existed.

Song: I Will Never Let You Go

Ground Beneath my Feet!

I shall be thankful to (well not exactly, but then happy moments associated with) Rahul. Since the last 7-8 months i have known him, there has been a different aspect of life that i have discovered for sure. For one thing, i would have never done the thing i did before by birthday this year - which of course i will never do again :). And he, as sincere and dedicated as he is, was always there whenever we wanted him to be. And somehow - things have been very - very stabilizing in the past half a year. Strictly speaking very easy going and pampering - surrounded by sweet people, doing just the things i like, and living in some ether of sweet memories! And though things were happening - huge and loud - it was a period that, if i turn back and see, there was no motivation of moving on.

And this i am visualizing as a lot of peanuts in a bowl on which thick hot sugar syrup is being poured. After a time all of which just set into their places for ever ... but that was not going to happen with us. Therefore came a news of someone moving out - a peanut had revolted to go on - explore beyong this stagnation. The news did snap something somewhere but it had a welcome freshness in what was happening. No one can take his place. But i am sure it will give an inspiration to move beyond what we have done and explored.

Personally i think this is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life till now. I mean i couldnot notice one thing amongst so many happenings till now - that of the differences in levels of life we are in here! I am just at the beginning (- its not even a stupid beginning - have to do so many things build a proper one -) the one i desire and think i will lead in this life! (And i know i will have to work hard for it.) So it is good in the way it has provided me motivation and forced me to move out :) and hence "one of the best things". Thanks - to whoever and whatever is behind it! And so i discover the instability of the ground beneath my feet! Hope in these instabilities we will be able to meet again one day!

Song: Mr. Lonely ...

In My Head!

Swati just called and as i did not have her number (blame my lost mobile and my bad memory) i couldnot recognise whose the number is and then when i came to know, i again found that josh in me - of the two forthcoming plays we are working on! They are of very different styles but both are going to be equally interesting. What is more important is the time that they will provide for all of us to be together and enjoy each others' company! I absolutely love the time we spend during the making of plays. While the play itself might take no time get finished. I sometimes give this logic for why flop directors go on. May be they just love the "making of a movie" so much that it take away all their passion - may be they want to relive that experience once more. And so they just go on!

At the same time other thoughts too are around - i feel their strong presence as Father Merrin felt the demon in The Exorcist. That reminds me of some new bruises which will take time to heal. I look in there and find they are still fresh and chocke my breathe when noticed. But cannot help. I see people moving around on the floor and everywhere out. And i notice not them today, but the Limelites in their hands. Many faces there but not a single glance of mine. Did i not deserve? And so i message a friend of mine. "Today i feel sad as i think in the first time in my life i am expecting something from something/one other than me". She calls but i message her "i am in a meeting will call you later". Having a life where i am taught never to rely on anyone for just anything, i feel its a sin to expect, especially when it is out of people!

Then i think at another face of it - why the expectations in the first place? What am i doing this for? Whom i am doing this for? And i get the an answer loud and clear - just i, me and myself! So where is the room for anything else to be thought? I was not promised by for a place in some magazine if i indulge into my own creativity! This and such thoughts help me return to sanity and for and then i hear Prasad calling "why is there and hour's delay in the ticketing system". I return to the real world again.

Song: You Sang To Me

Its Getting Cold!

Last night lying down i watch FRIENDS munching popcorn. I think of a place where people, at least those whom i care about can be as carefree as the characters are. And wonder if everything in life can be taken as lightly as its there. And then the thought passes my mind - of it being idiotic as its being shown on the idiot box! But the heart says - no nothing can get as close to real life as this ... in an ideal world - says the mind again. And no one speaks anymore!

And in the mean time, i check if all servers are working fine and find everything good. So just lazily to my series for the day :) But then i do not feel myself to be that attentive. Something is there which is distracting me. It might be the view out of the window. Everytime i look at the appartments next to my house i get lost. Lost in the idea of so many people living one above another. I mean if there was a person who could look through the walls, the view will be just like people - moving, sitting, sleeping, all at different levels of altitude. As if they have been arranged in racks.

But the sheer beauty of those tall buildings is engaging. But that is not it which grabs my attention now. Actually something that comes through those buildings is! Whenever I happen to pass by tall buildings, the one thing i notice is the intensity of wind there! I mean sometimes we may call it breeze, but it is always so that in the locality of appartments / tall buildings, speed of the wind is greater than other places! This makes me realize that bangalore is returning to its original self and hence getting colder by the day. It might not rain, but the sun will not show. It might be dry but it will be utterly cold. Before coming here I had not used my balnket throughout the year! But now as it is getting cold, it is getting cosy as well!

Song: Nothing

The Family Car!

And after a long time i will be looking at them and living with them - all four of us together. Sometime it seems as if numerous ages have passed the last time it happened. Though this time i am sure it will be different and the thought of it seems quite exciting. It will again be going back home and finding mom making tea for you just as it used to happen before. It will be everyone in the evening prayer which i miss the most. At dinner all of us will be talking about the days work - which i do not talk of anymore to anyone. Dad will be his usual salt-pepper self trying to know everything that is happening in my life. And i will try to very intelligently lose the keys to the rooms which i want not to be shown to him and show the rest which are well-lit. I will not let him on the trip to it for very long though! :)

Mom too will be asking if i am happy, if i am happy, if i am happy, if i am happy. And i will say - yes of course! can i be any happier? And it will be such a happy time to cook with her again. Havent done that in ages. Will talk to her about many people i know and she knows, many people she knows and i dont, many people we both know, a few people we know and were missed somewhere in past and who have got discovered recently. And of course I guess as before Yatin and Mom will be good buddies meeting after long time! And yeah Dad and Saurabh will be taking on from their unfinished conversations! We all will surely miss Dheeraj.

But as of now, everything seems distant and numb. Seems as if i am trying to avoid them. Seems as if i am becoming more and more trapped in the world i am trying to weave around me! Seems as if things want answers and i have none. Seems as if i am gloomy but i am not :)

Song: Lag Ja Gale Ke Phir

A Bad Person - Me again!

Two shots in the same day - very hard to bear but may be someone knows that I can take it! And there I am siting and giving fake smiles - I have a bad face - nothing hides. Aravind comes and I recollect he was out to US and has just returned today. I greet him with a warm smile - everything was wet so this one too seemed wet! And I just think how some people are lucky - when we have the same things in common and I know at some point in the past I was superior to him (I have absolutely no idea about now) but chance is given to him. I feel nothing. He goes and I stay back - I feel nothing. He is asked by and I am not even thought of - I feel nothing. But he comes back and searches for a place to sit, and I am at my own old workstation - I feel as if a cannon has been fired at me!

I just let it go and accompany him to breakfast. I feel like speaking to someone. But I have never made a friend whom I can call anytime and say I want to speak to you. I am so weak at that one point. (But this one sometime later) So I just ask how is work there, how are people there, whats the bank-balance he has made, what was he working on specifically and let him speak for a while and listen to things that were roaring in my head. And then He asks about the Theatre club - something in me somewhere just snapped. I replied to him - showed him the Limelite. And boasted about how everything is heading up!

And we talk so naturally but I am not at ease. Opportunities are lost of course, but how much am I to blame for it when I surrender? This has happened before and happend for the best. So I will not complain. But I see that I have a bad side to my persona which keeps popping up every now and then when I see others happy. I dont know what to do about it! Just hope one day it will rest in peace.

Song: Hero