In My Head!

Swati just called and as i did not have her number (blame my lost mobile and my bad memory) i couldnot recognise whose the number is and then when i came to know, i again found that josh in me - of the two forthcoming plays we are working on! They are of very different styles but both are going to be equally interesting. What is more important is the time that they will provide for all of us to be together and enjoy each others' company! I absolutely love the time we spend during the making of plays. While the play itself might take no time get finished. I sometimes give this logic for why flop directors go on. May be they just love the "making of a movie" so much that it take away all their passion - may be they want to relive that experience once more. And so they just go on!

At the same time other thoughts too are around - i feel their strong presence as Father Merrin felt the demon in The Exorcist. That reminds me of some new bruises which will take time to heal. I look in there and find they are still fresh and chocke my breathe when noticed. But cannot help. I see people moving around on the floor and everywhere out. And i notice not them today, but the Limelites in their hands. Many faces there but not a single glance of mine. Did i not deserve? And so i message a friend of mine. "Today i feel sad as i think in the first time in my life i am expecting something from something/one other than me". She calls but i message her "i am in a meeting will call you later". Having a life where i am taught never to rely on anyone for just anything, i feel its a sin to expect, especially when it is out of people!

Then i think at another face of it - why the expectations in the first place? What am i doing this for? Whom i am doing this for? And i get the an answer loud and clear - just i, me and myself! So where is the room for anything else to be thought? I was not promised by for a place in some magazine if i indulge into my own creativity! This and such thoughts help me return to sanity and for and then i hear Prasad calling "why is there and hour's delay in the ticketing system". I return to the real world again.

Song: You Sang To Me

Its Getting Cold!

Last night lying down i watch FRIENDS munching popcorn. I think of a place where people, at least those whom i care about can be as carefree as the characters are. And wonder if everything in life can be taken as lightly as its there. And then the thought passes my mind - of it being idiotic as its being shown on the idiot box! But the heart says - no nothing can get as close to real life as this ... in an ideal world - says the mind again. And no one speaks anymore!

And in the mean time, i check if all servers are working fine and find everything good. So just lazily to my series for the day :) But then i do not feel myself to be that attentive. Something is there which is distracting me. It might be the view out of the window. Everytime i look at the appartments next to my house i get lost. Lost in the idea of so many people living one above another. I mean if there was a person who could look through the walls, the view will be just like people - moving, sitting, sleeping, all at different levels of altitude. As if they have been arranged in racks.

But the sheer beauty of those tall buildings is engaging. But that is not it which grabs my attention now. Actually something that comes through those buildings is! Whenever I happen to pass by tall buildings, the one thing i notice is the intensity of wind there! I mean sometimes we may call it breeze, but it is always so that in the locality of appartments / tall buildings, speed of the wind is greater than other places! This makes me realize that bangalore is returning to its original self and hence getting colder by the day. It might not rain, but the sun will not show. It might be dry but it will be utterly cold. Before coming here I had not used my balnket throughout the year! But now as it is getting cold, it is getting cosy as well!

Song: Nothing

The Family Car!

And after a long time i will be looking at them and living with them - all four of us together. Sometime it seems as if numerous ages have passed the last time it happened. Though this time i am sure it will be different and the thought of it seems quite exciting. It will again be going back home and finding mom making tea for you just as it used to happen before. It will be everyone in the evening prayer which i miss the most. At dinner all of us will be talking about the days work - which i do not talk of anymore to anyone. Dad will be his usual salt-pepper self trying to know everything that is happening in my life. And i will try to very intelligently lose the keys to the rooms which i want not to be shown to him and show the rest which are well-lit. I will not let him on the trip to it for very long though! :)

Mom too will be asking if i am happy, if i am happy, if i am happy, if i am happy. And i will say - yes of course! can i be any happier? And it will be such a happy time to cook with her again. Havent done that in ages. Will talk to her about many people i know and she knows, many people she knows and i dont, many people we both know, a few people we know and were missed somewhere in past and who have got discovered recently. And of course I guess as before Yatin and Mom will be good buddies meeting after long time! And yeah Dad and Saurabh will be taking on from their unfinished conversations! We all will surely miss Dheeraj.

But as of now, everything seems distant and numb. Seems as if i am trying to avoid them. Seems as if i am becoming more and more trapped in the world i am trying to weave around me! Seems as if things want answers and i have none. Seems as if i am gloomy but i am not :)

Song: Lag Ja Gale Ke Phir

A Bad Person - Me again!

Two shots in the same day - very hard to bear but may be someone knows that I can take it! And there I am siting and giving fake smiles - I have a bad face - nothing hides. Aravind comes and I recollect he was out to US and has just returned today. I greet him with a warm smile - everything was wet so this one too seemed wet! And I just think how some people are lucky - when we have the same things in common and I know at some point in the past I was superior to him (I have absolutely no idea about now) but chance is given to him. I feel nothing. He goes and I stay back - I feel nothing. He is asked by and I am not even thought of - I feel nothing. But he comes back and searches for a place to sit, and I am at my own old workstation - I feel as if a cannon has been fired at me!

I just let it go and accompany him to breakfast. I feel like speaking to someone. But I have never made a friend whom I can call anytime and say I want to speak to you. I am so weak at that one point. (But this one sometime later) So I just ask how is work there, how are people there, whats the bank-balance he has made, what was he working on specifically and let him speak for a while and listen to things that were roaring in my head. And then He asks about the Theatre club - something in me somewhere just snapped. I replied to him - showed him the Limelite. And boasted about how everything is heading up!

And we talk so naturally but I am not at ease. Opportunities are lost of course, but how much am I to blame for it when I surrender? This has happened before and happend for the best. So I will not complain. But I see that I have a bad side to my persona which keeps popping up every now and then when I see others happy. I dont know what to do about it! Just hope one day it will rest in peace.

Song: Hero

A Bad Person - Me!

When sometimes emotions cross the boundary of bring private and getting public, there certainly is some turbulence. Today morning I felt the same turbulence as soon as I entered the office. And it was as I looked into the Limelite. I never read this magazine (as it is the same with just any other magazine). But since the last time I had heard from Yatin to bring a copy of it to him, I thought of taking one and giving it to him at the end of the day. And I reached my worstation, surprisingly no one was on the floor. May be my bus had reached before all others' today morning! And then I logged into my workstation and looked into the usual servers status and stuff, which were found to be in sound health surprisingly, given that I had left them all by themselves the night before, when I wanted an early sleep and woke up late as well!

And after everything I glanced at the Limelite - Swati's eyes for a while were not the center of atraction in her snap - it was he hair! Of course! Anil's beautiful photographs have always grasped my admiration! (Yes, I was reading the magazine backwards ... I always do) Then as I went ahead I saw the centre page - almost dedicated to the Theatre Club - everyone was there ... some regular, some irregular ... some of no relevance. And that made me happy but suddenly I felt like being taken over, feeling utterly bad for my absence. I browsed over the entire thing again. No - not even mention of my name. I just looked on into the page - remembering all the hardships I had done to write everything, make people practice ... once on the campus and once outside. And then I felt bad - so bad I could not fight the salty waters. They came - they always come.

Sometimes its so good to just be ignorant of things - in this case if I would not have seen it all by myself - I would never have felt a thing. But now that I have seen I feel bad - not for the fact that I was not mentioned. For the fact that all those people who have come so close in these days and have become such good acquaintances got mentioned - and I was not happy with it! May be I am being taken over by the bad person in me. Eyes got moistened all the day repeatedly, even when I did not want it!

Song: I dont want to say goodbye

Contemporary Indian music (especially songs)!

Was listening to this new song which beared an amazing resemblance with some other song released just a few months back and both have successfully climbed up the charts! And started wondering - like many thoughts gushing in all at the same time!

First point ... have the 7 notes and their permutations and combinations already completed a cycle? Why are the present day songs always familiar? Is it because technically there is no more scope of getting newer combinations?

Second point ... is something happening to our ears? What is this deal with everyone having a liking for a very typical genre of songs and disliking the others pushing them to eradication?

Third point ... why do people repat their greatest work? or stating otherwise get inspired from their own earlier works? Is it difficult to be original everytime or is it the fear of not getting acceptance that becomes the reason?

Fourth point ... what is happening to our individual creativity as a listener? When we listen to the songs whic hsound like some song we have heard earlier but listen to someone speaking about the greatness of this new one, suddenly there is a collective liking for the song to help it climb! How and why?

Song: Tere haath Mein

Finally!

Well! I wanted to post this one before any ... but it turned out to be the second one! Someone way back in college asked me why i do not start writing blogs. Till then i had never heard the word blog, or might have heard but did not know or understand. And then in a few minutes in that chilled lab room, i was enlightened about the technicality of blogs! And then i suddenly wanted to have one and scrible whatever i wished and thought about over there. And that was the first thing i would do next - i thought. Went to the canteen for a juice and spilled it all over myself, ran to my room, wahsed myself and the clothes i was wearing and forgot the blog thing forever!

Years later, i saw many many people around me writing blogs and that was something that made me move away from blogs! I am in the tendency to run away from everything that a majority of people do (its there very intricately carved in me). Was just telling Heena yesterday how i was unable to read anything during the semester end examinations as each and everyone would start reading then! And then started talking about the true reason why people write blogs. Among the many things discussed i bought the reason which said you can write here what you do not (and not cannot) speak out to others!

And then so happened that this morning i dreamt something very wiered. And it is that pleasant sense of wieredness that has made me start a blog of my own. However open i am to people there are certain things that will never make their way from me to them. Why not put it here ... whether they see it or not is a different issue. I am not concerned about that (about the dream -will describe it some other time). At least i would have made a copy of that part of my mind in written and i myself can look at it, read it and analyze if what it sounds, is exactly what was on my mind. And then might split myself up and as a "third part that has no any direct concern with the issue" to evaluate it!

That might be wiered (as some may say wieredness born of wieredness) but that is what was exacltly on my mind when i started. Lets just see how far it goes.

Song: Kitni Batein Kehne Ki Hain

When Monday is a holiday!

A phone call from a colleague woke me up today in the morning at around 9. There was some problem with a server ... blah blah. Lazily put the specs on and went to the lappy and logged into the network. Solved the problem with the help of a team member (who by the way is moving out shortly). Was thinking all the time to sleep after the problem is solved. But things were differently planned. It is a hot morning. But somehow i do not feel like taking a bath. The reason may be this beautiful breeze by the window - the corner in my room where i am sitting right now is mostly Yatin's seat .. but sometimes i take the liberty to be here (in times as this when he was out this morning).

And I see ... white loaves of clouds moving by over the appartments ... those very appartments which were just under construction when I came here last year. Now people have started moving in. They are being accomodated. So many changes in such a small time ... time when passes by always feels to be so small ... however boring and elongated that might be when it was present! (But that is an idea which I will take up some day later) And I think of all the dark (as opposed to the light coloured now) clouds that were there up there when i woke up today, blocking the sunlight. And i thought it will be a damp day today. But it was not supposed to be ... at least till now.

How we think of things to be one way and how entirely different they turn out to be! Life is not that long but it has turned to be big fat story with numerous subplots! So many things thought and planned in so many diffeent ways and so many other different things taking their place in time ... always pleasant though. That is what has enveloped me nowdays - a feeling of being happy always - why is not there not that particular kind of sadness in my life which i sometimes fancy of. And this lack of the sadness i want or rather say desire makes me sad. Well now even that is something i shall discuss sometimes later may be.

But sometimes i feel When things that happen are happening for the best (at least all the way till today) why do i need to get agitated or worry and dream of dreams. May be that is what we do ... just imagine how things can be ... and then there they are in front of us all in concrete seemig quite different! I do not know but i have been always this way - surrendering myself to some superior energy that deals with me in a manner that is beyond imagination. Well this might have nothing to do with myself being a believer. But yes i have experienced that it is very relaxing most of the times when one surrender one's emotions.

And some one may just come in and say - "Oh shut up! You make everything the way it is for you. No one else is responsible or concerned in any way for this. It is all in your hands to get what you want." And I will listen to the above with great zeal and then say - "Oh Ok!". Well this is what all is happening today - a monday when it becomes a holiday!

Just asked Yatin if he will come for a movie in the evening. May be this or may be that. And then will just watch what comes up! :)

Song: Chura liya hai tumne jo dil ...