It was a cloudy evening and so darkness fell much before its usual time. But it was day enough because of the the huge transparent roof of the KL airport, departure section. I just had finished watching a movie about a witch. The concept was beautiful, the shots were technically mastered and the witch was enchanting. In a scene she saw butterflies where there were none visible to other people and as the camera moved - it was poetry in motion. A very brief but distinct time was given for the shot where a butterfly places itself on her bossom visible through her very low neck.
The travel was having adverse effects on my health and so i was surviving mostly on mugs of hot steaming coffee. As a result the condition of my toungue was not very good and i had acquired kind of an accent (which some would say wild Australian). Coffee-time came again and there i was in the queue for coffee at this shop. My turn came and i should admit the coffee lady was enchantingly beautiful. Dark burgundy hair, and pale white skin ... and i suddenly started "seeing" butterflies all over - one of which, in my mind, flew and placed itself on her bossom. This all happened when i was talking and she was finding it difficult to get my "accent", smiling all the way though.
When I took my coffee and turned suddenly i noticed so many people around and all of a sudden i felt they know what just passed my mind. An old notion came up in my mind - one in which there are people masquerading among us as "normal" people, who can read other people's minds. why not? Afterall, there are so many phenomenon which keep happening all over that remain inexplicable. This may be one of them. People, angels or demons - whatever you call them can know whatever they want to from anyone's mind. They breathe, speak, work and lead lives just like us. Some use their "talent" for their benefit and some dont - i want to think most of them don't (or else the world would be a hugely imbalanced place).
They might have different origins - "from people, as people", "from people as supernatural beings", "from supernatural beings as people", "voluntary/involuntary peopleisation of supernatural beings" - there are many possibilities.
I personally prefer to think they are "punished angels" fully aware of their gift but unaware of their past lives as angels. Early in their childhood they come to know what they had is not common and should never be spoken to anyone. Though feels how a pity it would be for them not being able to share, they come to live with it. I somehow happen to think about it more when i see a looks-imbalanced couple. Though I am fully aware and respect the fact that no one knows why two people fall for each other ! But it may so happen that the cool one would actually read and implement the hot one's thoughts inevitably leading to their coupling. The same thing may happen with a perfectly balance couple depending, again as i said for inexplicable reasons, on their types! Well i prefer most of them are hot as they had been angels before (heehee).
Or say when i am among many strangers and i see a bunch of good looking strangers coming to close talking terms very soon and kind of form an impenetrable group (no pun and nothing sexual intended). And this is exactly what i felt right at that moment as i carried the coffee back to the waiting area - looking at a bunch of beautiful people, who i knew were complete strangers a while back - trying to reflect by questioning their questioning thoughts in my mind. Also thinking, what if the coffee-lady was also a mind reader? Would she smile at me visualizing the butterfly on her the way she did?
Song: एक दिन आसमान से परी आएगी ...
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Cleanup Discoveries!
I could live in the PG for just a few days. The door opened straight into the staircase and that led out of the bilding. Walking down that straicase of my PG is so imbibed in me that sometimes i am fearful of doors. What if i open the door to my appartment or what if the elevator door slides and i walk into that PG once more sleepy eyed - look around and realize that all this while i was only sleeping. That everything i felt has happened to me in the last couple of months was just one long night's dream which has finally come to an end? That the coldness i felt was only because Bangalore has had a good rain in the night? I would realize that i was feeling sleepy the entire duration as i was, in reality, asleep! I would probably call home, talk to everyone for a while, puzzled. And they would wonder for a while as to why i called them so early in the morning.
The work got finished very early today at the office and I sat wondering at the closed racks and a table full of books in my cubicle. Dusty and not even touched since a very long time, i had never cared to look into it since the last twenty days i am here. So very excited to clean (the day before was a cleaning day for my desk that is huge and has many facets - as in sections for various clients) i ventured into the dust. CD's never fascinated me as they are simple metallic looking discs with no features. But today it was an emotion that was beyond likes and dislikes as the number of CD's that i had to identify ran into a little more than a thousand. Numerous ... many and many papers - printouts of graphs, mails, guides, manuals - all of them presented what would be the complete opposite of a paperless office. And all sorts of hardware - hub, switch, a laptop, connectors, chargers, adaptors, tapes - whatever one can imagine was there too. Oh yes there is a ESM (thats my team name) toolbox too - just like the one that can be expected in a garage.
Papers were in a different form too - that of bound books and folders. Reams of pages with lots of handwritten stuff - showing sketches, block diagrams, one liners, paragraphs, doodles - everything ranging from even before 2001. That year became specific as looking at one of the sheets i remembered how that very month of that year the first semester of college had begun for me. And here were these people having numerous discussions among themselves and with the clients in order to setup network monitoring. I felt a strange feeling of nostalgia - not for myself but for those papers i was looking at. It was as if i had become them and was remembering the day i was last scribbled on, last turned, last touched. Everything was there - undisturbed.
Strange how people do things for such a long time with such zeal and enthusiasm and move on. They set and care for a thing like their own child - that it should be the best, it should be flawless, it should be "mine" - and just like that one day say goodbye to those very things. So much knowledge, so much information, so much stuff that has now become the "background", so much design, so many processes that no longer even exist - how did they come into place? How was it when they were being worked on? How much research went into their development? Who did all those planning? Was it done in the office hours or after office hours? Was the person who did the implementaiton, for example did it successfully in the first attempt? Where are the people who did all of this now? Why did they leave when they left? So many questions - some would say utterly useless to ask - still stand up!
I never had dealt on a daily basis with anything where i was after many. The appartment houses ever allotted to dad were almost always newly built, the schools I went always had their buildings newly built at that point, the college i went to was a brand new one, the house i lived in with friends in Banalore was a new one, but this is unlike them all - work. When i was a kid someone suggested to have as much fun when there was time, as once one started working, there is no fun and many other things about work. But no one ever told me how to deal with / take the shoes of the "ghosts" at work!
I feel so numb now, am sure will just climb in my sheets as soon as i reach my appartment. I did not have the heart to throw away those papers - none of them ... just cleaned them off and left them as they were in those closets. Among all the stuff were also a bunch of visiting cards of the people who might have been the team members probably when the team was found long back - read the names and wondered if would ever find those people. So much associated history is lost with what and where we work that it wont be a good feeling when someone says - "Oh it is just work!"
Song: क्यों बार बार आंखों में तुम, करवट बदलते हो ...
The work got finished very early today at the office and I sat wondering at the closed racks and a table full of books in my cubicle. Dusty and not even touched since a very long time, i had never cared to look into it since the last twenty days i am here. So very excited to clean (the day before was a cleaning day for my desk that is huge and has many facets - as in sections for various clients) i ventured into the dust. CD's never fascinated me as they are simple metallic looking discs with no features. But today it was an emotion that was beyond likes and dislikes as the number of CD's that i had to identify ran into a little more than a thousand. Numerous ... many and many papers - printouts of graphs, mails, guides, manuals - all of them presented what would be the complete opposite of a paperless office. And all sorts of hardware - hub, switch, a laptop, connectors, chargers, adaptors, tapes - whatever one can imagine was there too. Oh yes there is a ESM (thats my team name) toolbox too - just like the one that can be expected in a garage.
Papers were in a different form too - that of bound books and folders. Reams of pages with lots of handwritten stuff - showing sketches, block diagrams, one liners, paragraphs, doodles - everything ranging from even before 2001. That year became specific as looking at one of the sheets i remembered how that very month of that year the first semester of college had begun for me. And here were these people having numerous discussions among themselves and with the clients in order to setup network monitoring. I felt a strange feeling of nostalgia - not for myself but for those papers i was looking at. It was as if i had become them and was remembering the day i was last scribbled on, last turned, last touched. Everything was there - undisturbed.
Strange how people do things for such a long time with such zeal and enthusiasm and move on. They set and care for a thing like their own child - that it should be the best, it should be flawless, it should be "mine" - and just like that one day say goodbye to those very things. So much knowledge, so much information, so much stuff that has now become the "background", so much design, so many processes that no longer even exist - how did they come into place? How was it when they were being worked on? How much research went into their development? Who did all those planning? Was it done in the office hours or after office hours? Was the person who did the implementaiton, for example did it successfully in the first attempt? Where are the people who did all of this now? Why did they leave when they left? So many questions - some would say utterly useless to ask - still stand up!
I never had dealt on a daily basis with anything where i was after many. The appartment houses ever allotted to dad were almost always newly built, the schools I went always had their buildings newly built at that point, the college i went to was a brand new one, the house i lived in with friends in Banalore was a new one, but this is unlike them all - work. When i was a kid someone suggested to have as much fun when there was time, as once one started working, there is no fun and many other things about work. But no one ever told me how to deal with / take the shoes of the "ghosts" at work!
I feel so numb now, am sure will just climb in my sheets as soon as i reach my appartment. I did not have the heart to throw away those papers - none of them ... just cleaned them off and left them as they were in those closets. Among all the stuff were also a bunch of visiting cards of the people who might have been the team members probably when the team was found long back - read the names and wondered if would ever find those people. So much associated history is lost with what and where we work that it wont be a good feeling when someone says - "Oh it is just work!"
Song: क्यों बार बार आंखों में तुम, करवट बदलते हो ...
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Wet Meadows!
10 is a beautiful number - a number that exists beyond singles ones and is coupled - the first number which is no longer a stag- the first number which loses itself if its components are taken away, the first number which brings one and nothing ... together. Well, that was the number of hours the flight lasted from KL to Auckland. This was the longest time I had ever been away from land. Its a strange feeling when you are away - up there in the sky. It makes one to long to return ... dont know how the astronauts remain for so many days up there. I felt what the last astronaut (an Indian-American female) who we heard in news was trapped in the spaceship and her arrival was getting delayed, must have felt up there. And I felt why the mythical Gods whould want to be humans at lest for a while ... we might be fallen, but this sure is a nice place to fall :) The visibility outside the window before landing at Auckland - the last 7 minutes below the last of clouds, was one reel of scene which if captured would have been an astoundingly beautiful piece.
The outside was so much colder than the cabin and it was turbulant as well - winds and rain droplets just rushing in from all directions. Once on land, I was able to see the clouds passing by with an alarming strength - the dark clouds and the white ones within them. By this time I had a sore throat already and an blocked/imbalanced ear as well. The next flight to Wellington was just of an hour's duration but the waiting went on for six long hours - thank gawd for the internet which saved my sanity. By the time this one took off - it was almost dark ... but before land again vanished, I could see the city being left far behind and a herd of cattle grazing in the meadows that were soon going to be wet. With the bird's eye view of the cattle being gathered for the day, my eyes closed again into nothing ...
Song: Masha Allah ...
The outside was so much colder than the cabin and it was turbulant as well - winds and rain droplets just rushing in from all directions. Once on land, I was able to see the clouds passing by with an alarming strength - the dark clouds and the white ones within them. By this time I had a sore throat already and an blocked/imbalanced ear as well. The next flight to Wellington was just of an hour's duration but the waiting went on for six long hours - thank gawd for the internet which saved my sanity. By the time this one took off - it was almost dark ... but before land again vanished, I could see the city being left far behind and a herd of cattle grazing in the meadows that were soon going to be wet. With the bird's eye view of the cattle being gathered for the day, my eyes closed again into nothing ...
Song: Masha Allah ...
Kenvin Costner and Rugby!
She: What song is that?
He : Its the OST from the movie Waterworld.
She: You know I just wanted to say you thins, it was in mind from the time I saw you - you look like the lead in that movie.
He: What Kevin Costner?
She: Yeah ... him ....
He: Wow, I never got that one before ...
And they had a big laugh. But she was serious and he appeared just as Kevin to her - bright golden hair, blue eyes and a longish face.
He: How long have you been in the city?
She: Oh not long, a few days, thats all. And you.
He: I have been here all my life. Born and brough up.
She: Wow! The you should show me around.
He: Of course! I will love you to take a ride around. Its a beautiful city. Though not very big, you will have a nice time around the coast and beyond the hills.
She: That will be nice ... so what do you do apart from work?
He: I play rugby ... and watch rugby, have a beer may be ... and talk about rugby.
She: Thats a lot of rugby :) do they just grab the ball and run?
She pointed to the television. The Rugby world cup France was on. The All Black against Romania.
She: Can he just not throw the ball beyond the line?
He: (Laughing) No he cannot, he has to take it and sit it on that section. You know nothing about rugby do you?
She: Not yet, just learning. There should be some movie in which Kevin Costner plays rugby, it is an American sport afterall.
He: No its not, its English. You really know nothing about Rugby.
She: No I dont. Never had the need to!
But it was fascinating ... new and unsettling for her ... still fascinating!
Song: छैल चबीला, रंगीला, हतीला, रसीला, सजीला, पाजामा है ढीला ...
He : Its the OST from the movie Waterworld.
She: You know I just wanted to say you thins, it was in mind from the time I saw you - you look like the lead in that movie.
He: What Kevin Costner?
She: Yeah ... him ....
He: Wow, I never got that one before ...
And they had a big laugh. But she was serious and he appeared just as Kevin to her - bright golden hair, blue eyes and a longish face.
He: How long have you been in the city?
She: Oh not long, a few days, thats all. And you.
He: I have been here all my life. Born and brough up.
She: Wow! The you should show me around.
He: Of course! I will love you to take a ride around. Its a beautiful city. Though not very big, you will have a nice time around the coast and beyond the hills.
She: That will be nice ... so what do you do apart from work?
He: I play rugby ... and watch rugby, have a beer may be ... and talk about rugby.
She: Thats a lot of rugby :) do they just grab the ball and run?
She pointed to the television. The Rugby world cup France was on. The All Black against Romania.
She: Can he just not throw the ball beyond the line?
He: (Laughing) No he cannot, he has to take it and sit it on that section. You know nothing about rugby do you?
She: Not yet, just learning. There should be some movie in which Kevin Costner plays rugby, it is an American sport afterall.
He: No its not, its English. You really know nothing about Rugby.
She: No I dont. Never had the need to!
But it was fascinating ... new and unsettling for her ... still fascinating!
Song: छैल चबीला, रंगीला, हतीला, रसीला, सजीला, पाजामा है ढीला ...
Flight Plan!
Monday - "You may have to move, bring your passports tomorrow"
Tuedsday - "Apply for your AMEX card"
Wednesday - "Fill in the forms and get the photograph"
Thursday - "Submit your forms"
work ... work ... work ... shifting ... work ...
Thursday next week - "Take your card and passport and fly this weekend"
Surprised and delayed the date
All days - Shopping and Preparations ot packing
Tuesday - It started
Wednesday - It ended.
More than a week of prepartion and it was just for 2 days. Exactly like the times when we prepared for the plays. I remember how taxing it was the first time I did that one. RT, Swati, Ankit, DA and a whole other bunch of people - night and day - we slogged for days together. Dint have a cell-phone then ... scorching sun of Gandhinagar - and roaming aorund in all the buildings just to find the last person - that was very taxing ... but then the thing about it is that it is remembered. Remembered, unlike the final show - which took me into a state of complete numbness and awe - I donot remember of what happened that evening, but I remember each day before that evening.
This was just like that - all the preparation and all the anticipation - all of it taking the backseat till the day actually arrives - you plan and plan but everything goes according to whatever is planned beforehand :) long before even you knew what planning is. The two may be aligned by any angle - ranging from 0 degrees (closest) to 180 degrees (where one just exclaims)!
But whatever it is ... one has to do the best to take the situation - to handle what comes along. And it has to be done with proper discipline and heartedness, with all stones altered. Resembles quite a lot with what a friend says everytime he logs in - "The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret."
Song: Thode Badmaash Ho Tum ...
Tuedsday - "Apply for your AMEX card"
Wednesday - "Fill in the forms and get the photograph"
Thursday - "Submit your forms"
work ... work ... work ... shifting ... work ...
Thursday next week - "Take your card and passport and fly this weekend"
Surprised and delayed the date
All days - Shopping and Preparations ot packing
Tuesday - It started
Wednesday - It ended.
More than a week of prepartion and it was just for 2 days. Exactly like the times when we prepared for the plays. I remember how taxing it was the first time I did that one. RT, Swati, Ankit, DA and a whole other bunch of people - night and day - we slogged for days together. Dint have a cell-phone then ... scorching sun of Gandhinagar - and roaming aorund in all the buildings just to find the last person - that was very taxing ... but then the thing about it is that it is remembered. Remembered, unlike the final show - which took me into a state of complete numbness and awe - I donot remember of what happened that evening, but I remember each day before that evening.
This was just like that - all the preparation and all the anticipation - all of it taking the backseat till the day actually arrives - you plan and plan but everything goes according to whatever is planned beforehand :) long before even you knew what planning is. The two may be aligned by any angle - ranging from 0 degrees (closest) to 180 degrees (where one just exclaims)!
But whatever it is ... one has to do the best to take the situation - to handle what comes along. And it has to be done with proper discipline and heartedness, with all stones altered. Resembles quite a lot with what a friend says everytime he logs in - "The price of discipline is always less than the pain of regret."
Song: Thode Badmaash Ho Tum ...
With Twins!
Twins - I have always been fascinated by them. Aren't they a miracle of the nature? Two individuals just like each other - to a large extent one can replace each other completely. The first time I ever saw them was when I was in Ramagundam - Nani and Chinni (brother and sister) - I used to be with them and wonder. And then came Sandeep and Pradeep (:)) and I wondered more. How and why it was the way it was. But then it was - two people and exactly the same. That was a long time back. I had not though of it in a long time now. Till 20th of september of this year.
Leaving Bangalore never occured as I was exhausted with the last day preparations and packing and un-packing at the airport as my lauggage exceeded by 5 kg ... sigh. I was vdamn tired. The last thing I heard consciously was - "... when this happens, that means the air pressure is low in the cabin ... " and when I opened my eyes, it was bright outside - I had already lost two and half hours of my life and was landing at Kuala Lumpur. I always wanted to be there as Uday said it was a lovely place. As a welcome surprise, my cell-phone was already in roaming. After a lot of moving aorund the airport, foound the correct visa counter and in two hours we were on the streets of the countryside which was an hour's drive ffrom the main city - KL. Breakfast and lunch in the resort hotel booked was wonderful and an hour's sleep did help in refueling :)
Within an hour of drive from there - the drive which was unique in its own way because of all the huge mountains and land pieces covered with planted palm oil trees - mesmerizing in their own way. The king's palace - it seemed the king was really there in the palace that day, the world's largest butterfly/bird garden and the menare-KL - all of them just passed by, as I could see them - those twins. Finally I was there at the foot of the twins - these ones created by humans - beautiful blue-green panes allover - shiny and tall - exactly as I like them.
The first time I saw them I remembered a tarana Madam had taught me a few years back - dhir dhir tanan nana - in its full form and pace - with the beats of pakhawaj. A beautiful piece of work - wonderful how man creates such pieces of work which are so huge in form and/or effect that they live on ... even after man is gone. I am sure the alien space-ships passing by the equator of earth do spot these outstanding brothers and marvel humanity! A five storey shopping mall which belittled The Forum and numerous photographs hence, when I left the place back for the airport, there was just one thing in my mind - my craving (i have at last got this word) for grandness and what actually it may scale to - for grandness, sky is the limit ... On the trip back, I dozed off for a mintue and had a vision - of Mom, bro and RT at the airport - patiently waiting for me outside the airport. I missed them.
Song: Jan-e-Jane Ja ...
Leaving Bangalore never occured as I was exhausted with the last day preparations and packing and un-packing at the airport as my lauggage exceeded by 5 kg ... sigh. I was vdamn tired. The last thing I heard consciously was - "... when this happens, that means the air pressure is low in the cabin ... " and when I opened my eyes, it was bright outside - I had already lost two and half hours of my life and was landing at Kuala Lumpur. I always wanted to be there as Uday said it was a lovely place. As a welcome surprise, my cell-phone was already in roaming. After a lot of moving aorund the airport, foound the correct visa counter and in two hours we were on the streets of the countryside which was an hour's drive ffrom the main city - KL. Breakfast and lunch in the resort hotel booked was wonderful and an hour's sleep did help in refueling :)
Within an hour of drive from there - the drive which was unique in its own way because of all the huge mountains and land pieces covered with planted palm oil trees - mesmerizing in their own way. The king's palace - it seemed the king was really there in the palace that day, the world's largest butterfly/bird garden and the menare-KL - all of them just passed by, as I could see them - those twins. Finally I was there at the foot of the twins - these ones created by humans - beautiful blue-green panes allover - shiny and tall - exactly as I like them.
The first time I saw them I remembered a tarana Madam had taught me a few years back - dhir dhir tanan nana - in its full form and pace - with the beats of pakhawaj. A beautiful piece of work - wonderful how man creates such pieces of work which are so huge in form and/or effect that they live on ... even after man is gone. I am sure the alien space-ships passing by the equator of earth do spot these outstanding brothers and marvel humanity! A five storey shopping mall which belittled The Forum and numerous photographs hence, when I left the place back for the airport, there was just one thing in my mind - my craving (i have at last got this word) for grandness and what actually it may scale to - for grandness, sky is the limit ... On the trip back, I dozed off for a mintue and had a vision - of Mom, bro and RT at the airport - patiently waiting for me outside the airport. I missed them.
Song: Jan-e-Jane Ja ...
Very Shabnami!
Now there was a time when I was in Kahalgaon - a place with swinging temperatures - summers peak to 38 and winters go down to 4 or so। I was an adolescent and it was the beginning of my contacts with the world outside my family - outside the 4 of us. School, outside people and the world of gossip which makes the world flow - it was wonderful - people noticing me (not that they did not do it before) and appreciating me. It was the time when feathers started sprouting out of the wings - itchy but for a better time ahead. And it was around this time when it came - when music shatters the barriers of silence. Why I fell in love with it is like one of those unanswered questions - why do people like each other at all! And i was swept by it and fell for it ... It was in those transition times of summer to winter and it was like temperature falling, rains falling, and me falling - first for the music and then for the visuals and then for the intricate things like shades and locations. I was in me after a while. Year by year after that year - 1995 - i have waited for such a thing to happen. Its like esperiencing the one thing that makes you wait gives you so much pleasure than experiencing whatever is readily available. :)
And then this year when again the temperature is going down, this came again। In many forms I would say there are indications from everywhere. Either my life is going to end soon or it is that sometime in life we just get lucky :) For beginners, my life always had a winter in the winters - but this time spring has taken the place of autumn and the summers are going to take over the winters. The trees which should have appeared to be lifeless, leafless and frosted at this time are appearing to turn green. Then there is this place which is a coast but the coldest coast i have ever been to, which i am beginning to fall for. And then there is this piece of work coming by (which HE knows when I will be able to see) that i am having to hear everyday - it is sinking in me like a creeper that spreads on the exterior of a huge tree in the rains and then spreads it roots inside the tree to hold to it strong. Nights always had the previlege of the moon's light but to hold on to someone when you roam around the harbour on a fullmoon night was just a fantasy, which also has come true. Is this the end of the world or is this the end of the world as i know it? I dont know and I dont think I care. Thinking is one thing but I think i should take it the way it comes. This is afterall ... surrendering, isnt it?
सोंग: जब से तेरे नैना ...
And then this year when again the temperature is going down, this came again। In many forms I would say there are indications from everywhere. Either my life is going to end soon or it is that sometime in life we just get lucky :) For beginners, my life always had a winter in the winters - but this time spring has taken the place of autumn and the summers are going to take over the winters. The trees which should have appeared to be lifeless, leafless and frosted at this time are appearing to turn green. Then there is this place which is a coast but the coldest coast i have ever been to, which i am beginning to fall for. And then there is this piece of work coming by (which HE knows when I will be able to see) that i am having to hear everyday - it is sinking in me like a creeper that spreads on the exterior of a huge tree in the rains and then spreads it roots inside the tree to hold to it strong. Nights always had the previlege of the moon's light but to hold on to someone when you roam around the harbour on a fullmoon night was just a fantasy, which also has come true. Is this the end of the world or is this the end of the world as i know it? I dont know and I dont think I care. Thinking is one thing but I think i should take it the way it comes. This is afterall ... surrendering, isnt it?
सोंग: जब से तेरे नैना ...
Friday, August 31, 2007
Some Other Place Some Other Time!
Her: The piercing on your brows looks very real.
Him: What do you mean looks? It is real!
Her: I swear I can never do that. Did it not pain?
Him: The pain is for just a while, what remains is something you have desired! and not many people understand it"
Her: Yeah, of course. Philosophy. Why won't you look at me even when you want to?
Him: What makes you think I want to look at you?
Her: I don't know. I want to look at you so much. I want to talk to you too.
Him: People if hear this, will declare you crazy. You are with your boyfriend I suppose, and I am with my new date.
Her: What makes you think he is my boyfriend? He can be just some friend isn't it?
Him: Well! I sense such things.
Her: So you met her just today is it?
Him: Well no, I have been meeting her for a very long time. Its just that everytime I meet here I find her new. Do you really like that caramel jello you are having?
Her: Not exactly ... this is the first time I am having it. My friend likes it a lot.
Him: So you are trying to incorporate the likings of your to-be huh?
Her: Shut up! Sometimes you should try different things ... or else how would you know what you really like and what you really don't?
Him: Well, that is one thing but changing oneself for another is a ... big thing.
Her: I don't believe this. Tell me that you wanted to use the word scary instead of "big". You guys, you all are the same.
Him: Is that it? Is that the reason why you want me to look at you? Just another guy who looks at a pretty girl passing by?
Her: Do you think you need a reason to look at me? Moreover I am not passing by. You are at your table and I am at mine.
Him: What kind of people do things without any reason?
Her: Perfectly normal people ... like you and like me.
Him: I thought you would not say "like" the second time.
Her: Did you think or did you wish? Because if you just thought, you think i am crazy and you obviously are scared (of me). Things are different if you wished though!
Him: Why did you suddenly want to wish this, after being in for an hour and a half?
Her: That is not a long time. Moreover, I thought you will be doing it without me wishing it.
Him: By the was did I say that pendant you are wearing is of a rare firefly? Its beautiful.
Her: So you did notice me. That very much delights me and I think its beautiful too.
Him: What would you do with me if I looked at you?
Her: I may love you!
Him: Love? (laugh) Do you even know what love is?
Her: I have read a lot about it. Do you know what love is?
Him: Then you are among those people who believe in that question.
Her: Please explain.
Him: I meant the very idea of the question - "do you know what love is" is stupid. Love simply is!
Her: Is that the new Paulo Coelho?
Him: Yes that too ... its originally mine ... but copyrighted by him!
Her: Is it time for you to leave?
Him: Oh yes it is. Its been a long dinner. We have to get home too.
Her: What do you like in her anyways!
Him: So are you jealous now? Is that it?
Her: Of course I am. Is that too much for the first time?
Him: Some other place some other time, it sure would be. But now with my wife, I think it is not. I am Ram and did I say I am married?
Her: No you did not. I wish you did not!
Song: You Won't Forget About Me ...
Him: What do you mean looks? It is real!
Her: I swear I can never do that. Did it not pain?
Him: The pain is for just a while, what remains is something you have desired! and not many people understand it"
Her: Yeah, of course. Philosophy. Why won't you look at me even when you want to?
Him: What makes you think I want to look at you?
Her: I don't know. I want to look at you so much. I want to talk to you too.
Him: People if hear this, will declare you crazy. You are with your boyfriend I suppose, and I am with my new date.
Her: What makes you think he is my boyfriend? He can be just some friend isn't it?
Him: Well! I sense such things.
Her: So you met her just today is it?
Him: Well no, I have been meeting her for a very long time. Its just that everytime I meet here I find her new. Do you really like that caramel jello you are having?
Her: Not exactly ... this is the first time I am having it. My friend likes it a lot.
Him: So you are trying to incorporate the likings of your to-be huh?
Her: Shut up! Sometimes you should try different things ... or else how would you know what you really like and what you really don't?
Him: Well, that is one thing but changing oneself for another is a ... big thing.
Her: I don't believe this. Tell me that you wanted to use the word scary instead of "big". You guys, you all are the same.
Him: Is that it? Is that the reason why you want me to look at you? Just another guy who looks at a pretty girl passing by?
Her: Do you think you need a reason to look at me? Moreover I am not passing by. You are at your table and I am at mine.
Him: What kind of people do things without any reason?
Her: Perfectly normal people ... like you and like me.
Him: I thought you would not say "like" the second time.
Her: Did you think or did you wish? Because if you just thought, you think i am crazy and you obviously are scared (of me). Things are different if you wished though!
Him: Why did you suddenly want to wish this, after being in for an hour and a half?
Her: That is not a long time. Moreover, I thought you will be doing it without me wishing it.
Him: By the was did I say that pendant you are wearing is of a rare firefly? Its beautiful.
Her: So you did notice me. That very much delights me and I think its beautiful too.
Him: What would you do with me if I looked at you?
Her: I may love you!
Him: Love? (laugh) Do you even know what love is?
Her: I have read a lot about it. Do you know what love is?
Him: Then you are among those people who believe in that question.
Her: Please explain.
Him: I meant the very idea of the question - "do you know what love is" is stupid. Love simply is!
Her: Is that the new Paulo Coelho?
Him: Yes that too ... its originally mine ... but copyrighted by him!
Her: Is it time for you to leave?
Him: Oh yes it is. Its been a long dinner. We have to get home too.
Her: What do you like in her anyways!
Him: So are you jealous now? Is that it?
Her: Of course I am. Is that too much for the first time?
Him: Some other place some other time, it sure would be. But now with my wife, I think it is not. I am Ram and did I say I am married?
Her: No you did not. I wish you did not!
Song: You Won't Forget About Me ...
A Pickup!
That morning I decided to visit the courier people finally. After days of laziness and pushing things away, it was high time to send across the mobile telephone I had bought for as a secret gift for my brother on his birthday a month back. This one event makes me realize the importance of the art of gifting. The items (bought as gifts) which are already with the one you are going to gift, hardly feel like getting gifted! Or so I thought. So on that tuesday moening, I enlightened myself about how the earlier I sent it the earlier it would reach! A breakfast with Sanju and my usual mug of coffee (after he left for work) after, I walked towards the neasrest courier office. Sanju, on hearing about the programme had already given his piece of advice, "Mom, the day seems good, you should go for a walk. But do you think you really want to gift Uncle that thing?" Not to blame him, my gifting sense is really horrible!
And three hours hence, there I was roaming on the roads, like a complete loser, seemingly oblivious of everything happening around me, walking towards the post office as my final try, as couriers of mobile phones was banned, since God knows when. And a few minutes after I was in the queue waiting for my turn for the speed post. It was then I saw him - dressed up in formals with that odd strapped bag, the untied hair falling all over his face (quite long and well maintained, I should say), sweat trickling over his forehead even in that cool weather (which indicated he has been roaming a lot like me too) and holding a perfectly parcel-wrapped box in his hand. He got immediate next to me in the queue.
"Ma'am do you know if they mail a mobile telephone?"
"I have no idea, but hey even I have the same question."
"Tell me about it, I have been roaming all over for hours for packing this thing up and then from one courier office to another!"
"The same thing here ... this is the last time I am going to try"
"Madam, could you suggest me what else can I tell them this pack in my hand is?"
"Wow! thats a nice idea ... hmmm ... we may not reveal that these are phones and just tell them they are some handicraft!"
"seems nice. As gifts. Great! Thank you!"
Everything about him was quite different, appealingly different. I immediately had this urge to ask him if he had any girlfriend. But I rather settled with something more formal.
"Are you from Bangalore?"
"No ma'am, but I am here for work since last two years. I am into IT."
"Alright ... you do not live nearby though is it?"
"Oh I do ... very close ... in fact I have shifted to this area recently. It's just that I had not ventured into this part. Where do you live?"
"I live pretty closeby too, With my son. He too works in IT."
"Thats nice. I was really bugged up with my schedule and so took a half day today just to relax. Watch a movie may be."
"Good, with freinds?"
"No, they are all working. I will be all alone."
"Sigh ... I can give you company."
"You would? That will be such an honor! Thank you!"
Having gone through the Speed-post (which was successfully done at last), the lunch (he had surprisingly good taste for dining), the movie (the kind of homework he had done to watch this one for the first time was appreciable - we dont usually hope such things from some engineer), a little window shopping hence, it was time to part. A beautiful day spent with a wondeful kid. We hardly come any closer than this to strangers on the first day we meet them. Right then this sudden idea of being with him a bit more and knowing him a bit more cropped up in me and I decided and convinced him for a dinner. sitting on a table for three, the time that we chatted away gave me the rapid-fire knowledge about him and his background. He felt so close now. I just wished ... and then Sanju arrived too.
"Sorry mom the work got just to much to the end of the day and then the traffic."
"Poor you, son meet my new friend."
That was their first introduction. That was their first date. Sanju had always told me how he could not be arranged with anyone and somehow I had always wondered why not! It utterly stupid to spend a day with some random stranger, I never did that again. Eighteen years later, having kissed both of them good-bye for work, I think about a pickup from the post-office and I believe couples are made in heaven!
Song: Dream, Dream, Dream ...
And three hours hence, there I was roaming on the roads, like a complete loser, seemingly oblivious of everything happening around me, walking towards the post office as my final try, as couriers of mobile phones was banned, since God knows when. And a few minutes after I was in the queue waiting for my turn for the speed post. It was then I saw him - dressed up in formals with that odd strapped bag, the untied hair falling all over his face (quite long and well maintained, I should say), sweat trickling over his forehead even in that cool weather (which indicated he has been roaming a lot like me too) and holding a perfectly parcel-wrapped box in his hand. He got immediate next to me in the queue.
"Ma'am do you know if they mail a mobile telephone?"
"I have no idea, but hey even I have the same question."
"Tell me about it, I have been roaming all over for hours for packing this thing up and then from one courier office to another!"
"The same thing here ... this is the last time I am going to try"
"Madam, could you suggest me what else can I tell them this pack in my hand is?"
"Wow! thats a nice idea ... hmmm ... we may not reveal that these are phones and just tell them they are some handicraft!"
"seems nice. As gifts. Great! Thank you!"
Everything about him was quite different, appealingly different. I immediately had this urge to ask him if he had any girlfriend. But I rather settled with something more formal.
"Are you from Bangalore?"
"No ma'am, but I am here for work since last two years. I am into IT."
"Alright ... you do not live nearby though is it?"
"Oh I do ... very close ... in fact I have shifted to this area recently. It's just that I had not ventured into this part. Where do you live?"
"I live pretty closeby too, With my son. He too works in IT."
"Thats nice. I was really bugged up with my schedule and so took a half day today just to relax. Watch a movie may be."
"Good, with freinds?"
"No, they are all working. I will be all alone."
"Sigh ... I can give you company."
"You would? That will be such an honor! Thank you!"
Having gone through the Speed-post (which was successfully done at last), the lunch (he had surprisingly good taste for dining), the movie (the kind of homework he had done to watch this one for the first time was appreciable - we dont usually hope such things from some engineer), a little window shopping hence, it was time to part. A beautiful day spent with a wondeful kid. We hardly come any closer than this to strangers on the first day we meet them. Right then this sudden idea of being with him a bit more and knowing him a bit more cropped up in me and I decided and convinced him for a dinner. sitting on a table for three, the time that we chatted away gave me the rapid-fire knowledge about him and his background. He felt so close now. I just wished ... and then Sanju arrived too.
"Sorry mom the work got just to much to the end of the day and then the traffic."
"Poor you, son meet my new friend."
That was their first introduction. That was their first date. Sanju had always told me how he could not be arranged with anyone and somehow I had always wondered why not! It utterly stupid to spend a day with some random stranger, I never did that again. Eighteen years later, having kissed both of them good-bye for work, I think about a pickup from the post-office and I believe couples are made in heaven!
Song: Dream, Dream, Dream ...
End of An Era!
me: Hey there :)
him: Yeah tell me
me: What's going on??????? ;)
him: Work
me: hmmm .... :)
him: Weren't you about to call me yesterday?
me: Yeah! I had to write a long long mail to my manager and then had to go for a meeting at 7:15 :)
him: Good
me: ... so i just got out of the office
him: I was in office till 10:30
me: I completely forgot that I had to call you up :)
him: u could have called ... but it is alrite ... happens
me: Remembered it today when I came to office in the morning ... sigh ...
him: Well you know, it is such an old habit ... how can it just vanish all of a sudden ... so quickly!
me: Quickly? ... I don't think it is going to go ever :) hehe ...
him: I know that ... don't worry ... I have stopped thinking and expecting this from you
me: Good ... that is what the truth of every relationship is - no expectations ;)
him: plzzzzzz not now
me: What!
him: All these crap
me: It is a fact and the truth to happiness and its not crap ... :) hehe
him: You are happy i know ... and you never care about others' happiness and you never will
me: well ... its just that i am too involved in my own life ... what to do! A bad time manager u see ... :
him: And you never know how it feels to see the person whom u love happy
me: May be i dont ... : because i have always been thinking about myself all this long ... but so what? shouldn't the person who loves me try to show me what he thinks? why should he just conclude and dismiss things so easily? :
him: You know what? You are impossible ... so I have dropped my hopes
me: well ... I wish you had not and had tried even harder ... it's just this one life ... one chance afterall ... :(
him: Good ... You are happy with ur life ... and i want u to be happy too. So just be Happy Always ... Take Care
me: Why do u think i am happy without u? Is it just because u are?
him: You can never understand others' feelins ... theres no good arguing with you ... you just won't understand ... becoz u know ... you just do not know what COMMITMENT is ...
me: Sov what? tell me about it ... make me understand what it is ... isn't that what ppl do ... get hold of each other and teach each other what they dont know? shouldn't it happen that way so that we know - what we know and what we don't? why should it happen that one has to let go just becuase the other person doesn't know certain things? If I do not know, let me know ... make me understand ... Will you let it go? ... just like that ... ? :(
him: hmmm ... I have tried so much already ...
me: Only this very much? Can you not try anymore?
him: I am afraid no! This is all I could do and this is the end of it. Not anymore!
me: So this is the end of it? ... feels like forever ... :(
him: Yes ... it sure feels like the end of an era!
Song: Cry Me A River ...
him: Yeah tell me
me: What's going on??????? ;)
him: Work
me: hmmm .... :)
him: Weren't you about to call me yesterday?
me: Yeah! I had to write a long long mail to my manager and then had to go for a meeting at 7:15 :)
him: Good
me: ... so i just got out of the office
him: I was in office till 10:30
me: I completely forgot that I had to call you up :)
him: u could have called ... but it is alrite ... happens
me: Remembered it today when I came to office in the morning ... sigh ...
him: Well you know, it is such an old habit ... how can it just vanish all of a sudden ... so quickly!
me: Quickly? ... I don't think it is going to go ever :) hehe ...
him: I know that ... don't worry ... I have stopped thinking and expecting this from you
me: Good ... that is what the truth of every relationship is - no expectations ;)
him: plzzzzzz not now
me: What!
him: All these crap
me: It is a fact and the truth to happiness and its not crap ... :) hehe
him: You are happy i know ... and you never care about others' happiness and you never will
me: well ... its just that i am too involved in my own life ... what to do! A bad time manager u see ... :
him: And you never know how it feels to see the person whom u love happy
me: May be i dont ... : because i have always been thinking about myself all this long ... but so what? shouldn't the person who loves me try to show me what he thinks? why should he just conclude and dismiss things so easily? :
him: You know what? You are impossible ... so I have dropped my hopes
me: well ... I wish you had not and had tried even harder ... it's just this one life ... one chance afterall ... :(
him: Good ... You are happy with ur life ... and i want u to be happy too. So just be Happy Always ... Take Care
me: Why do u think i am happy without u? Is it just because u are?
him: You can never understand others' feelins ... theres no good arguing with you ... you just won't understand ... becoz u know ... you just do not know what COMMITMENT is ...
me: Sov what? tell me about it ... make me understand what it is ... isn't that what ppl do ... get hold of each other and teach each other what they dont know? shouldn't it happen that way so that we know - what we know and what we don't? why should it happen that one has to let go just becuase the other person doesn't know certain things? If I do not know, let me know ... make me understand ... Will you let it go? ... just like that ... ? :(
him: hmmm ... I have tried so much already ...
me: Only this very much? Can you not try anymore?
him: I am afraid no! This is all I could do and this is the end of it. Not anymore!
me: So this is the end of it? ... feels like forever ... :(
him: Yes ... it sure feels like the end of an era!
Song: Cry Me A River ...
Monday, July 16, 2007
Dream For An Insomniac!
A late friday evening ... nothing much to do ... pouring outside cats and dogs ... lazing on the bed ... there I was browsing the TV channels. Caught up by a black and white movie that had quite modern technicalities, I wondered ... if it was new ... and then there was a subplot of alternative lifestyle - that fuelled my eagerness a bit more. Then a final confirmation of it being new came when i saw her - Jennifer Aniston. Usually I love her movies - she "tries" to act when not into comedies (The Good Girl for eg.) and its fun looking at her. Her movies always leave one with a good feeling. But this one particularly was not about her. This was about a curiously "Monica"-looking brunette (i do not remember her name). There was a coffee shop and there was no colour. No colour till one day she saw her blue eyed angel. Following the story was indeed revitalizing in many aspects and a force to believe was one of them. That believe in oneself, one's ideals and believe that what is meant, will come. Though not a very great one, or a very original one, or a very powerful one, there is so much truth in some of the parts and they stayed with me. "There are many medicore things to worry about in life. Love, should not be one of them!" Well as a (one more if you will) spoiler, the insomniac does dream at last. The time when she dreamt, I noticed it was time for me to get into the covers and have a share of them for myself too.
Song: A love before time ...
Song: A love before time ...
To Quit!
Longing to be out of one's body (for a while) is not a very unnatural desire. TO go beyond what you physicality can do and achieve what words would say "beyond" have always been a feature in ones imagination from time unknown. And that is exactly what he felt after reading that poem (Well a piece of text if not exactly a poem). Such out-of-the-body experiences were not rare to him but this time it lasted a bit longer and sure was a bit stronger. Thinking about everything he had and everything he did not have, he felt how thankful he was for having what he had. That how nothing he had done in this life made him worthy of having what he had. That how in another life and all lives to come he would pray to be just what he is now and nothing else. That how time has flown by and all these years, when they are passing by may feel a little too much to bear but as they are gone they feel so little a stretch, were not enough to tell the people he really cares about how much they matter to him. People may say that this is the simplest thing one can do, but he was sure after all these years that it requires a lot of courage to do that - to speak. He wishes he was courageous too but then he feels he is fine. It has turned out to be so much better than anything else - what he is. From always he had this fantasy of passing before any of his loved ones - not now but sometime long away in future. But Sitting there and thinking over it, he feels how stupid an idea that is. There is no limit of sorrow that befalls on the people who love you when you quit. Those very people have devoted so much for you - so much of their time, their feelings, their thoughts. There is no way he can give back for the things he has got, but he now knows how just by being there it will be different. Moreover, there is so much beauty to quit!
Song: -
Song: -
People Are Not Options!
She was intelligent and she was right at this. He always was so confused (though he did not know it ... he was). With so many illusions and no one to help out (not that he had asked for help from anyone) he had his own notions and would do what he thought was right. Not that rain could stop falling just because he thought it was time to go out without getting wet. But then who doesnt like the best for oneself. The best job, the best place to stay, the best movie to watch, the best watch, the best laptop and camera, because all of them made one happy. (Someone very intelligent once said how It is actually the path that once takes to be happy that counts. But then unless the story is outrageoursly related to the movie industry, for general people, the path is more or less the same.)
Having put into situations that led him to one of the best in all aspects he was quite with the best things - education, ideologies, society, job, most of his material belongings - and he believed more of the best was on its way. This slowly led him to think how he can also juggle with people to have the best for himself. Not that he was a great people's person or for that matter a great juggler, but apart from the few that he really cared for, he did / didnot want to care for all others. He kept his options as to whether to like a person or not (depending on many sequences he called circumstances). Gradually that built a wall around him as there was never good enough a reason to like anyone (he did not know of it). Gradually the wall grew thicker, stronger, taller and that made him just an onlooker. Its easy to break a prison that has its keys with someone else, but when the key to your cell is with you, it is nearly impossible to get put ot it. Impossible, unless you get a councelling.
That evening then they talked about work and clothes and food and rain, they came to people, to him and what was happening to him. He couldnot get it at first as he had made it rather too confusing but then slowly he discovered how whatever one may think or do, a some Mr. Linclon will get only a Mrs. Linclon. Afterall, people are not options, they are people and that is what it is.
Song: She is a star ...
Having put into situations that led him to one of the best in all aspects he was quite with the best things - education, ideologies, society, job, most of his material belongings - and he believed more of the best was on its way. This slowly led him to think how he can also juggle with people to have the best for himself. Not that he was a great people's person or for that matter a great juggler, but apart from the few that he really cared for, he did / didnot want to care for all others. He kept his options as to whether to like a person or not (depending on many sequences he called circumstances). Gradually that built a wall around him as there was never good enough a reason to like anyone (he did not know of it). Gradually the wall grew thicker, stronger, taller and that made him just an onlooker. Its easy to break a prison that has its keys with someone else, but when the key to your cell is with you, it is nearly impossible to get put ot it. Impossible, unless you get a councelling.
That evening then they talked about work and clothes and food and rain, they came to people, to him and what was happening to him. He couldnot get it at first as he had made it rather too confusing but then slowly he discovered how whatever one may think or do, a some Mr. Linclon will get only a Mrs. Linclon. Afterall, people are not options, they are people and that is what it is.
Song: She is a star ...
Just A Kid!
I thought he was just a kid. Chirping nature, more attention to others than to what he was doing (not that he was bad in what he did), new-fangled fashions even in the formal work environment (I had never seen him outside work), getting clarified each and every thing everytime he started to work, having interests that rarely matched that of people who had worked with me, he seemed the perfect example of a modern corporate employee. We all should have noticed at one point or the other the variety in one's thoughs die out or get reserved as one specializes. This reminds me of the time I had been to one of my cousin's place for an entrance examination who was then a medical intern. He was brilliant in physics during his high-school days and speaking about light i said him how a green leaf in maroon light will appear black. The reply to that came as - "well! you need to get out ideas of your mind to get in new ones". I dont comment on the validity of the statement but it has stayed with me.
Coming back to the kid here, he seemed like growing restless with time. I imagined how work can be different from academics and how the new kids get bored so very easily. And then one day he put down his papers. What followed was a series of discussions with him, the HR, his supervisor and me - everyone wanted to know the reason for this small stint (he was an achiever afterall). The ones I could understand were that of him being uneasy with the location. I put across a raise, a movement to a higher post (I couldnot offer him a location change as there were no headquarters there). His final words were "I do not want to be disrespectful sir, but I think it is just he correct time for me to move". Days passed without the HR managers being successful to make him stay and came his final day. It was raining and I went out for a smoke that afternoon. He was there too - I had to go to him for a light.
Apparently he had finished all the formalities."There is someone, I know I will never be able to get her, but whatever time we have, I want to spend it with her. Things you say I will get - they might be a little delayed but will come to me one day. This time, once gone, will not." I nodded and thought about the time I was building a career - I knew she was mine, so much that perhaps I had taken her for granted. I was busy in my own dreams and visions. I dont even know if she wanted to be a part of all that. Time was gone, not even remembered anymore - lost and gone - today I have everything else I had aspired for - everything else but her. We stood there and smoked, I had nothing to speak nor did he. Funny how so many years get finished within the time half a cigarrette bruns. As we entered the floor, Ron met us. Among other things he spoke to him, how he will be missed and how he had done a good job. "Same here sir, but Oh! thank God you are not my manager, because the way you explain things - its just very very very verbose, you see!". We all had a good laugh. He was just a kid.
Song: Queen of Hollywood ...
Coming back to the kid here, he seemed like growing restless with time. I imagined how work can be different from academics and how the new kids get bored so very easily. And then one day he put down his papers. What followed was a series of discussions with him, the HR, his supervisor and me - everyone wanted to know the reason for this small stint (he was an achiever afterall). The ones I could understand were that of him being uneasy with the location. I put across a raise, a movement to a higher post (I couldnot offer him a location change as there were no headquarters there). His final words were "I do not want to be disrespectful sir, but I think it is just he correct time for me to move". Days passed without the HR managers being successful to make him stay and came his final day. It was raining and I went out for a smoke that afternoon. He was there too - I had to go to him for a light.
Apparently he had finished all the formalities."There is someone, I know I will never be able to get her, but whatever time we have, I want to spend it with her. Things you say I will get - they might be a little delayed but will come to me one day. This time, once gone, will not." I nodded and thought about the time I was building a career - I knew she was mine, so much that perhaps I had taken her for granted. I was busy in my own dreams and visions. I dont even know if she wanted to be a part of all that. Time was gone, not even remembered anymore - lost and gone - today I have everything else I had aspired for - everything else but her. We stood there and smoked, I had nothing to speak nor did he. Funny how so many years get finished within the time half a cigarrette bruns. As we entered the floor, Ron met us. Among other things he spoke to him, how he will be missed and how he had done a good job. "Same here sir, but Oh! thank God you are not my manager, because the way you explain things - its just very very very verbose, you see!". We all had a good laugh. He was just a kid.
Song: Queen of Hollywood ...
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sweet Like Chocolate!
They talked.
"She worked in the night shifts and liked it very much."
"Yeah, don't know about the work though but she was fond of the timings."
"I know! She thought it was as if when you sleep after work and everyone else is awake, they are taking care of you - not disturbing you consciously. And in the night when everyone is asleep and you are awake - you are looking at all of them - sleeping in their innocence."
Exactly the same way he looked when he slept - with his hair tousled and his brows drooped, he looked like a child - he always had.
"Do you remember how fat she had grown towards the end?"
"Yes, of course with all that sweet stuff she always kept having - God forbid anyone with such a desire of anything sweet."
"Of course, why have all that sugar and kill yourself."
"People say she went on gulping copious anything with sugar after he passed away. That made her sicker by every passing day."
He was such a conscious freak that he would never have anything sweet - she had told his sister once when they were in the high-school. In the school she would have a sweet custard and he would have French fries during the recess. At home she would have a cream roll while he would go for a chicken roll. At the weddings she would savor the cake and he would be content with the drink. At thanksgivings while she would be tasting all the puddings possible, he knew he would be having just the turkey. At their wedding he fed her the cake with his own hands and when her turn came, he just kissed her cream covered lips - that was all he had of it. And when they danced the ball in the reception, she had asked her in contempt about having the cake at least at this occasion. He had whispered to her, "You know Ruth, when we were kids, and the first time you had asked for that candy, I wanted you to have it so much that I just couldn't have it. And then the more I saw you the more I felt like me not having the sweets will make everything sweet for you. Call me crazy, but I had always wanted you to be happy and get all that you wished for. I love you Ruth." She had not known what to speak then. Everything was just so sweet like chocolate. Choked she had danced with her head resting on his chest.
Song: Bittersweet Symphony ...
"She worked in the night shifts and liked it very much."
"Yeah, don't know about the work though but she was fond of the timings."
"I know! She thought it was as if when you sleep after work and everyone else is awake, they are taking care of you - not disturbing you consciously. And in the night when everyone is asleep and you are awake - you are looking at all of them - sleeping in their innocence."
Exactly the same way he looked when he slept - with his hair tousled and his brows drooped, he looked like a child - he always had.
"Do you remember how fat she had grown towards the end?"
"Yes, of course with all that sweet stuff she always kept having - God forbid anyone with such a desire of anything sweet."
"Of course, why have all that sugar and kill yourself."
"People say she went on gulping copious anything with sugar after he passed away. That made her sicker by every passing day."
He was such a conscious freak that he would never have anything sweet - she had told his sister once when they were in the high-school. In the school she would have a sweet custard and he would have French fries during the recess. At home she would have a cream roll while he would go for a chicken roll. At the weddings she would savor the cake and he would be content with the drink. At thanksgivings while she would be tasting all the puddings possible, he knew he would be having just the turkey. At their wedding he fed her the cake with his own hands and when her turn came, he just kissed her cream covered lips - that was all he had of it. And when they danced the ball in the reception, she had asked her in contempt about having the cake at least at this occasion. He had whispered to her, "You know Ruth, when we were kids, and the first time you had asked for that candy, I wanted you to have it so much that I just couldn't have it. And then the more I saw you the more I felt like me not having the sweets will make everything sweet for you. Call me crazy, but I had always wanted you to be happy and get all that you wished for. I love you Ruth." She had not known what to speak then. Everything was just so sweet like chocolate. Choked she had danced with her head resting on his chest.
Song: Bittersweet Symphony ...
Express!
"The thing about trains is - it does not matter if you don't know where to go, what matters is to get into the train." - said the conductor of the Polar Express to the boy one Christmas night. It was cold and snowy and he was just too numb with the amazement and tiredness of the journey he had just taken. In the numbness he felt asleep. The next morning he woke up and to his surprise Mr. C had got him the thing he lost - the emblem of his belief - the bell - you could hear it only if you believed. And believing he embraced it to continue doing so throughout his life.
She had looked and heard of these lines time and again when she had gone through this motion picture experience. She had traveled the Polar Express with belief always. And everytime she took on the journey, she experienced and noticed something brilliant about a larger journey called life. This time it was about confusion. A state of mind where you cannot take a decision as to what is white and what is black, what has to be done and which path has to be chosen. The question of right and wrong. Life is all about it. Criss crosses - lines and lives passing by, through and around other lines and lives. May be that is what it is - definition wise.Some regret of it being so, some dont knwo what to do about it, some feel elated with the thought of it, but eventually everyone accepts the eventuality of it.
Thinking on these and other lines she knew all her actions have been decided by her belief. And that while she did not always know where they took her, she knew she would get the threads end tied to some point where she would understand why she treaded the was she did. More importantly, there, at that point she would find the beginning of another thread. It was getting cloudy in the west - the golden lines had already engulfed the fiery one. She was sure though that those black patches were to go away. It never rained in the night at her place, especially during that time of the year. So she grabbed her crutches and stabilizing herself on them moved slowly one step at a time - to the Express!
Song: Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl
She had looked and heard of these lines time and again when she had gone through this motion picture experience. She had traveled the Polar Express with belief always. And everytime she took on the journey, she experienced and noticed something brilliant about a larger journey called life. This time it was about confusion. A state of mind where you cannot take a decision as to what is white and what is black, what has to be done and which path has to be chosen. The question of right and wrong. Life is all about it. Criss crosses - lines and lives passing by, through and around other lines and lives. May be that is what it is - definition wise.Some regret of it being so, some dont knwo what to do about it, some feel elated with the thought of it, but eventually everyone accepts the eventuality of it.
Thinking on these and other lines she knew all her actions have been decided by her belief. And that while she did not always know where they took her, she knew she would get the threads end tied to some point where she would understand why she treaded the was she did. More importantly, there, at that point she would find the beginning of another thread. It was getting cloudy in the west - the golden lines had already engulfed the fiery one. She was sure though that those black patches were to go away. It never rained in the night at her place, especially during that time of the year. So she grabbed her crutches and stabilizing herself on them moved slowly one step at a time - to the Express!
Song: Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Of Superheroes - Random Thoughts!
A lonely hot day I would say. It was not the best of the days to go out and say visit a mall. But then it was best suited for being at home, lazing around and say watch the idiot box for a while. And that is exactly what I did. For hours hopping from one programme to another and from one channel to another, it felt I was back to the era when I was a kid, the television was new to me and the cable channels were new to the television! Revisiting transitioned into deeper hues when it revealed the kinds of programmes that I would wait for. Every weekends there was a special place and time reserved for the cartoons. Cartoons from Indian and the western genre were my favourites always as they let my imagination fly, as did most of the characters in the cartoon themselves. (About this we will talk later. But as of now ...) Reflecting upon that, now it comes to me how all of them were stories which showed the human spirit. The Heroe (if we will calling them so) has to undergo a lot of trouble, sorrow, troughs but then at the end of the day he evolves the winner. He does something for which he is best known for. America is one nation that I would say has provided us many superheros! The media is now also projecting Indian legendary characters as superheroes (aka Hanuman, Rama, Krisna ...). But one clear distinction between the American and other worldly heroes are that while the later ones live a life and have an end to their living, the former ones just dont die. No one ever knows how long hey have been here. They just came (all of them were born) and continue living - sometiems disguised among us and sometimes detached and away - as their heroic powers would make them apart from others.
Returning to this day I was talking about, I happened to see two heroes - one sauve and the other rough, One urban and the other from a jungle, one among sky-scrapers and the other among tall trees, one in a suit, and the other in a loin cloth, one trying to hide and the other unawar of his identity, one thinking and the other living, one about the world / the universe and the other just and island, one saving his own people and the other standing for what he knows are his people, one flying out of his power and the other flying with creepers, one Superman and the other Tarzan. (That also reminded me of how once I had read somewhere that Superman is actually a true superhero, as in he was born a superhero. Others became what they were under influence. While Superman had got his suit by birth, others created theirs. While superman never hid his face, the others had masks.) Strange but quite true. And that made me think how circumstances and locations make people superheroes of their people. How heroes not onluy have to save their people but also live their own lives. How the fact of being powerful and being potentially famous brinds drama into their lives. Not only into their lives, but into our lives too. I, who just wanted to cuddle up in the warm sheets and catch up something and anything on the television actually ended up visiting another neverland.
Returning to this day I was talking about, I happened to see two heroes - one sauve and the other rough, One urban and the other from a jungle, one among sky-scrapers and the other among tall trees, one in a suit, and the other in a loin cloth, one trying to hide and the other unawar of his identity, one thinking and the other living, one about the world / the universe and the other just and island, one saving his own people and the other standing for what he knows are his people, one flying out of his power and the other flying with creepers, one Superman and the other Tarzan. (That also reminded me of how once I had read somewhere that Superman is actually a true superhero, as in he was born a superhero. Others became what they were under influence. While Superman had got his suit by birth, others created theirs. While superman never hid his face, the others had masks.) Strange but quite true. And that made me think how circumstances and locations make people superheroes of their people. How heroes not onluy have to save their people but also live their own lives. How the fact of being powerful and being potentially famous brinds drama into their lives. Not only into their lives, but into our lives too. I, who just wanted to cuddle up in the warm sheets and catch up something and anything on the television actually ended up visiting another neverland.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Blue Jacket On A koala!
Seven thirty in the evening and I was still not sure I was going to fly to a land far far away. I know these days distances do not mean anything at all. But in my opinion, its all a make-believe, something which people just do not try to think about, just so that they can feel safe - that is one feeling which drives mankind to do whatever it does. A warm feeling of security. That was in plenty at the place I was going to be in less than twelve hours. And that was there too at the airport - My heart always starts beating faster when I undergo a security check. And I am sure if they have a lie-detection test at that time, I would fail even at the question of whether I can breathe!
Anyways, after a lovely farewell by RT, Hennu and Tannu, I was all by myself. A delay over an hour for the departure and the announcement that the plane would take a slightly different route, were fueling my euphoria. And after all the waiting, I was there flying over an invisible but seemingly present ocean - and the sunrise was as beautiful as it could get ... the various shades of blue getting transformed in the bright light - animated :) The setting sun from my floor window reminds me of it a great deal, everyday.
Landing, security check - once again, and getting out of the airport in a taxi - into what can be described only as a theme park. Even the rain seemed so designed. one beautiful thing to notice (well everything is beautiful here) is the hospitality (no wonder it is a tourist center) and their way of handing something with both the hands (the hotel bill for example). Everything is so green that one can just keep gazing and never feel tired. The way the architecure seemlessly integrates with the nature is awesome - just echoing the fact how different people from all over have been residing here concealing all differences. Seemingly so, at least. (Later I came to know how Singaporeans and "the others" are differentiated with the policies, as everywhere else).
I still experience in my head, the rain from an air conditioned cab (did I mention that everything, well almost everything here is air conditioned, because of the humid weather). Gazing outwards in the cab, with the seat belt on (always - or else a huge fine is imposed) I would wonder what kind of a destiny the islad had (everything has certain things decided for itself) ... from just a community of fishermen with coconut leaf huts to a business hub with infrastructure itself worth a chunk of the entire global economy, this place sure had some huge changes to see.
Parks, ferries, Malls, lights n ribbons, pubs, saunas, market places, eat outs, gyms - this place sure has more to offer always. On my way to and from work I missed and talked about India to the cab drivers - friendly people who faintly knew what/where Bangalore is. One asked if it is so much colder that it snows. There were other people too, from Australia for the project thing ... I was gifted a very cute koala with a blue jacket! :) And suddenly I felt the nostalgia is just a thing to pass ... the days are numbered and so living in the present is so important!
Song: Livin' Lavida Loka ...
Anyways, after a lovely farewell by RT, Hennu and Tannu, I was all by myself. A delay over an hour for the departure and the announcement that the plane would take a slightly different route, were fueling my euphoria. And after all the waiting, I was there flying over an invisible but seemingly present ocean - and the sunrise was as beautiful as it could get ... the various shades of blue getting transformed in the bright light - animated :) The setting sun from my floor window reminds me of it a great deal, everyday.
Landing, security check - once again, and getting out of the airport in a taxi - into what can be described only as a theme park. Even the rain seemed so designed. one beautiful thing to notice (well everything is beautiful here) is the hospitality (no wonder it is a tourist center) and their way of handing something with both the hands (the hotel bill for example). Everything is so green that one can just keep gazing and never feel tired. The way the architecure seemlessly integrates with the nature is awesome - just echoing the fact how different people from all over have been residing here concealing all differences. Seemingly so, at least. (Later I came to know how Singaporeans and "the others" are differentiated with the policies, as everywhere else).
I still experience in my head, the rain from an air conditioned cab (did I mention that everything, well almost everything here is air conditioned, because of the humid weather). Gazing outwards in the cab, with the seat belt on (always - or else a huge fine is imposed) I would wonder what kind of a destiny the islad had (everything has certain things decided for itself) ... from just a community of fishermen with coconut leaf huts to a business hub with infrastructure itself worth a chunk of the entire global economy, this place sure had some huge changes to see.
Parks, ferries, Malls, lights n ribbons, pubs, saunas, market places, eat outs, gyms - this place sure has more to offer always. On my way to and from work I missed and talked about India to the cab drivers - friendly people who faintly knew what/where Bangalore is. One asked if it is so much colder that it snows. There were other people too, from Australia for the project thing ... I was gifted a very cute koala with a blue jacket! :) And suddenly I felt the nostalgia is just a thing to pass ... the days are numbered and so living in the present is so important!
Song: Livin' Lavida Loka ...
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Sunshine!
It was the night before Valentine's day and I had put in a CD of what I had heard will be a sweeping motion picture! And it began with "Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap". How apt! From then on, it clinged on to me as it is even now! Joel and Clementine were so out of the world, still so lovable. What makes two souls come together will always remain a riddle for me. In my experience, what makes two people even like each other is pre-determined. Eyes communicate and speak volumes. And then when there is a possibility of liking, there is always the one who initiates. How and why, I do not understand as I have not experienced it yet. Just as in liking, there is always the one who likes more (There is always a one in a relationship who loves more. I do not want to be that one).
Everything that is created out of a liking has to be worked on, just as anything else. It has to be dusted and polished to be kept alive. There is always the one who wants to go away. And then there is the other one who does one of these two things - "lets go" or "asks to stay"! So many people that I met and made friendship with or did not like much and still remained in touch, and so many other people about whom I heard in the gossips or normal discussions fall in the former type. Even myself. I do not understand why does it become so difficult to say it in reality - to stay! Just stay ... why? ... i do not know ... just stay! That is what Clementine tells her Joel and as Joel tells his Clemecmy! They laugh in confusion - they dont know why. There are always such moments when we just do not know what to do - just smile / laugh! May be because there is a hope of what is coming will surely be great.
Joel: It would be different if we could just give it another go-around.Clementine: Remember me. Try your best. Maybe, we can.
I bet all the broken hearts everywhere have these same lines to speak. But they just dont do it aloud.
With that sunshine spilling all over ... the sunshine that shook my sleep away, that turned the night into a day and that made the day after so sunny that I just couldnot be out in the sun, made me stay home all day long ... thinking. How much right do we have on our own selves? This is MY body, this is MY mind, these are MY memories, and we go on. Whereas in reality it all belongs, is provided by, is built by someone else. However easy it might be to deny and reason otherwise.
Song: Some time!
Everything that is created out of a liking has to be worked on, just as anything else. It has to be dusted and polished to be kept alive. There is always the one who wants to go away. And then there is the other one who does one of these two things - "lets go" or "asks to stay"! So many people that I met and made friendship with or did not like much and still remained in touch, and so many other people about whom I heard in the gossips or normal discussions fall in the former type. Even myself. I do not understand why does it become so difficult to say it in reality - to stay! Just stay ... why? ... i do not know ... just stay! That is what Clementine tells her Joel and as Joel tells his Clemecmy! They laugh in confusion - they dont know why. There are always such moments when we just do not know what to do - just smile / laugh! May be because there is a hope of what is coming will surely be great.
Joel: It would be different if we could just give it another go-around.Clementine: Remember me. Try your best. Maybe, we can.
I bet all the broken hearts everywhere have these same lines to speak. But they just dont do it aloud.
With that sunshine spilling all over ... the sunshine that shook my sleep away, that turned the night into a day and that made the day after so sunny that I just couldnot be out in the sun, made me stay home all day long ... thinking. How much right do we have on our own selves? This is MY body, this is MY mind, these are MY memories, and we go on. Whereas in reality it all belongs, is provided by, is built by someone else. However easy it might be to deny and reason otherwise.
Song: Some time!
Such A Lovely Place!
An early morning after a late night, I am sure, does not sound good. When it happened, it did not seem good too! But then what happened after, was surely, surprisingly and excitingly good!
Aunty, Palls, RT and me - all boarding a cab with KP - dropping him at Cubbon and heading ahead - me in the front and the rest at the back seat. The morning showed it was going to be a memorable day! Among the first things that struck my notice was this huge fly-over - on the way to Mysore it was there for a long stretch - reminded me of some street (i dont remember it anymore as it was in one of my unnamed adventures at Mumbai 4 years back) and also of what Hosur Road, Bangalore will look like in 4 years from now! A piece for letting imagination fly, am sure!
Soon after we crossed this marvel, what was supposed to be a "chatting all the way" became a slumber for the back-seaters! And I gazed on from the huge highway that carried us so peacefully to some place where they say the past resides! Thinking of past, I felt in those rocky montains, a similarity and homeliness of the very first family picnic my mind could remember. Of that and all those we ever had and of the vast openness that my village visits gave me to wonder and wander on ... I felt would never come back. Growing up sure keeps somethings for the memories. You just cannot do them as you did them as a kid. You just couldnot stop the car and go ahead and move around in the foothills till it grew dark, unless you were out for moutaineering that is! But you sure can go to a particular site, which would give you a beautiful sight of the sunset - just like the one we had in Abu. I will surely remember it! I thought I just can remember it! But surprises are always in store!
ThiruNarayana temple - was our first stop (How I wish I could have a cam of my own to have so many snaps of the places I visit and from all the angles my eyes could make at them - will have one very soon). Everything was enchantingly mesmerizing. Divinity and Sanity flooded the place with light, even in those dimly lit sanctorums. The first meal of the day at the MahaLaxmi temple was quite a treat! We left and moved on to the Narasimha temple on the hilltop! Reaching there, covering the way on the stairs reminded of Abu again. With every step the tiredness grew and what I had thought would remain just to remember was there - right in front of my eyes again - the same vastness that showed us the sunset two years back. What goes away, sure goes away to come back. Everything was beautiful in that lovely place!
The palace was a quick visit post-lunch and a shopping that I think became syonymous with Sophie's choice. With all its grandeur the palace stood ... but I could not hear anyone talking about what its soul was / is. Rather what its body is right now was much of a concern ... a thing about obvious beauty (I will talk about this sometime). Later, the gothic Church seemed to superimpose and jam the thought processes for a while. Returning, the sunset was not visible or may be I forgot how it looked like ... as the things I saw in that single day were still getting processed by my mind ... settled and racked.
Song: Are you kidding!
Aunty, Palls, RT and me - all boarding a cab with KP - dropping him at Cubbon and heading ahead - me in the front and the rest at the back seat. The morning showed it was going to be a memorable day! Among the first things that struck my notice was this huge fly-over - on the way to Mysore it was there for a long stretch - reminded me of some street (i dont remember it anymore as it was in one of my unnamed adventures at Mumbai 4 years back) and also of what Hosur Road, Bangalore will look like in 4 years from now! A piece for letting imagination fly, am sure!
Soon after we crossed this marvel, what was supposed to be a "chatting all the way" became a slumber for the back-seaters! And I gazed on from the huge highway that carried us so peacefully to some place where they say the past resides! Thinking of past, I felt in those rocky montains, a similarity and homeliness of the very first family picnic my mind could remember. Of that and all those we ever had and of the vast openness that my village visits gave me to wonder and wander on ... I felt would never come back. Growing up sure keeps somethings for the memories. You just cannot do them as you did them as a kid. You just couldnot stop the car and go ahead and move around in the foothills till it grew dark, unless you were out for moutaineering that is! But you sure can go to a particular site, which would give you a beautiful sight of the sunset - just like the one we had in Abu. I will surely remember it! I thought I just can remember it! But surprises are always in store!
ThiruNarayana temple - was our first stop (How I wish I could have a cam of my own to have so many snaps of the places I visit and from all the angles my eyes could make at them - will have one very soon). Everything was enchantingly mesmerizing. Divinity and Sanity flooded the place with light, even in those dimly lit sanctorums. The first meal of the day at the MahaLaxmi temple was quite a treat! We left and moved on to the Narasimha temple on the hilltop! Reaching there, covering the way on the stairs reminded of Abu again. With every step the tiredness grew and what I had thought would remain just to remember was there - right in front of my eyes again - the same vastness that showed us the sunset two years back. What goes away, sure goes away to come back. Everything was beautiful in that lovely place!
The palace was a quick visit post-lunch and a shopping that I think became syonymous with Sophie's choice. With all its grandeur the palace stood ... but I could not hear anyone talking about what its soul was / is. Rather what its body is right now was much of a concern ... a thing about obvious beauty (I will talk about this sometime). Later, the gothic Church seemed to superimpose and jam the thought processes for a while. Returning, the sunset was not visible or may be I forgot how it looked like ... as the things I saw in that single day were still getting processed by my mind ... settled and racked.
Song: Are you kidding!
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Surrendering More!
Its half past eight in the evening and here I sit on the third floor of this building - Its call America. Its situated at the heart of this city, its supposed to be in the main business district and is located in a visually posh part of this city! Chennai - I had all kinds of apprehensions about this place! Wondering how it would be, how it would treat me and how I would relate to it! To my surprise, it is just another place, a city that is huge - much bigger than Bangalore is. It is humid (as of now it is just cool and not hot) a bit and I am loving it. People are surely amused by me - the voice and the hair! :) But that is going out as a positive as they come by so good and loving - to be particular, quite respectful - most of the time! The autowallas are a nightmare and, I think being a city, it just has everything in its every damn corner - redundancy I mean! This is my first experience of getting exposed to a city. Life has been quite a steady ladder till now. Ramagundam (Completely isolated), Kahalgaon (partly remote), Gandhinagar (Well what can I say), Bangalore (the first city) and then Chennai - it all seems so very planned and incremental that I just surrender more! :) I still have to find a house, a place which I think I will keep as I had dreamt of it in Bangalore. Quite an urgent removal of me from the city it was - kind of thrown out of the place - but I think faster the pace, lesser the pain of removing a band-aid! I wish and hope I am taken care of all the while I am here. Right now a colleague is helping me get back to the guest house. It has got a toaster there and I am having a lot of breads! Would get back with more soon! Many things to speak about but this one came first. With many epilogues to come, if things dont seem in order, just go by :)
Song: NA
Song: NA
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