Gone and Away!

And this just happens so much - while one goes away someone comes in to fill the spaces. Not exactly the same way as it was filled up before but in some other way. In some form that is unique and in somw way that would not have been the same. It doesnt seem far when this guy from the then "not my" team was selected to train me for working in the team. Since then our desks were fixed. He sitting just behind me and helping me as and when required with just a call away! This has really been a special time as i could not have got a better work environment. He made my stay real easy and i wonder how it will be once he is left.

But then i think it is always like that. People who relly love you are there when you get into something - to support you and make you life for that moment easy. And what better example can be that of our parents? Remember the time when you first held their fingers and took your walk? No you wont. Remember the time when they helped you with your first lessons in cycling? Yes you would! Well that is it. They are just there to give you a foothold and then you grow and climb upwards!

And now that he just has a week left, it is being such a thing - the sweet feeling that comes when you know that though this is not the end, it is going to come soon and then there will be no coming back, but everything is happening for the best as it does ever. The refreshing feeling that brings a smile on one's face and the beautiful feeling of letting something go (not that you can do much about it here :)). The wonderfully fulfilling sense which comes with one knowing that soon someone of certain importance in one's life is going to be far and away!

Song: Janeman Janeman Palat Teri Nazar ...

Spread it Wide!

A beautiful weather outside. Clouds so nearby, wind on such a high! And today is the day juniors would come to this place as i had come one day! So was hoping to dee some in the lunch, but none was visible. We took a small walk - with my colleagues - and then had a small chitchat in the lawn. but when it started to drizzle, we came back. I was just on the desk for a moment when i felt i was thirsty! So moved to fetch some drinking water!

Saw my practice head sitting by the window ... windows are small in our section. Somtimes i wonder how it is a strange thing in an office with buildings having huge large glass pane windows that i am put in a building where neither windows have any importance or they have any see. Of all people it seems i shud be kept enclosed in many boundaries. And may be becasue of that, destiny allocated me such particularly closed space to spend a huge chunk of my time.

And then i think may be it serves anopther purpose! A purpose where the need to look and observe is not towards out but its focussed mainly inwards. Something that is difficult to understand but something that should be understood. Having a tendency to move away from myself and look into a space that is other than mine, i am sure it was high time for me to look inside. May be it was time for me to know myself better before proceeding any further in life. And so there is this enclosure where i would encounter myself many times more than others!

But it is not about that. It is about a feeling of mine where i dream of moving away (as talked up there) not in terms of walking, but something of the sort of flying away. And the feeling was concretised by the visualisation of X-men 3 where there is this guy with huge white feathery wings. The feeling of spreading my huge wings wide and giving myself one push which will take me high towards the wide spread blues.

So passing past the cubicles, away from mine, looking at my practice head - who has so much work to do and so many obligations to fulfill - just staring through the small brickless space which we call window, this feeling was reborn in me! To be a huge birdie and just fly away to somewhere - into vasts of space!

Song: Humko Hamein Se Chura Lo ...

And She Walks!

There were many things. But let me just talk of lights, music and action! He sits there watching the space in front of him. He thinks he is interested in the creations of a man! And so he looks forward for their display. Everything seems glam. He seems lost. He thinks not. Everyone look pretty. He asks not why. He smiles wide - because someone said it was good. :) And then she comes in. Comment on her awkward posture - isn't her upper body bent backwards? Well but then she cares not! She smiles and sways and walks and shows! And she seems happy till she turns. What she sees - is not sure ... whom she shows - is no sure ... as the floodlights sure would have blinded her!

He thinks he wants to smell her, but not touch her. But he cannot as she is far. Her hair is well made ... with a huge pink lilly in it. She wears just clothes and accessories dont show. She kind of slides on the floor when she walks and the drags flow away from her. Her neck long and stiff and her collar bones showing so prominent. Almost a spotless skin - gleaming where it shows ... beginning from where the clothes end! The heels she wears would be tall are transparent.

Transparent but she is not! Seems her glowing skin just reflects every thought that is pointed towards her. Seems as if whatever is inside her does not come out of the glasshouse. Seems she would be here for long but then as she would be gone ... she would not be there at all. What a pity to be just gone, as you are gone! What a pity to be there and then to be gone and not to be remembered! But seems, she doesnot care! She turns round and round and round and then the lights move on to some other one! He observes the resemblance but similar and same were never the same and never would be!

He waits again for such a moment which was gone and will always be cherished. A moment where everything else is frozen but she, just she looks and she walks.

Song: A one night stand ...

One side of a conversation!

The other day i was taking a walk from my place to the Forum and from there towards the Ganapati temple. At some lonesome bus stop i heard someone talking to some other one on the phone. The mood of the conversation was dark, as was the evening. Clouds overshadowing the already dwindling lights of the sky. Such events do occur in everyone's life when we scream on others, i thought. And then i just walked on. But i surely have not had such an occassion in a long long time now! I have relished those moments when i was the "screamer", so to say - keeping accumulating things in my heart till one day it became utterly unbearable for me. And then everything would come out - with complete details - on to the person for whom it is meant!

Now that nothing like that has occurred in ages, i thought why not just be there and hear it for a while - hearing at times is much more powerful than just thinking. I got this idea after i came out of my college. Its like so many people around and so many motivations dangling in the air that unless you clearly spell out what your motivation and plan is - by speaking it / about it again and again - it become difficult to proceed. (I do not deny the presence of some silent tigers among us!)

The conversation:

"I am not in a mood to talk now"
"Ok! fine its alrite ... i mean everythings fine ... you couldnt make it yesterday nite"
"Yeah i was just there ... standing and waiting for you to come"
"mmhmmm ... ok! so u just got stuck up somewhere is it?"
"Fine you dont have to say sorry - you got stuck somewhere ..."
"I am alrite ... why do you ask this again and again"
"Listen ... call me sometime later ... i ..."
"Ok so give me your number so that i can call you"
"Some other time? mmhmm ..."
"So you say we can meet only if i come to the party and not otherwise is it?"
"At least your name ..."
"Oh that too is suposed to be surprise is it?"
"No dont ... why should i trust you anyway! anymore!"
"Listen why have you called me back ? I just had a good day and was leaving for home."
"Why suddenly would you feel that you were feeling bad about what happened?"
"Look! standing there in the midnight ... supposedly waiting for you ... do you think that was easy?"
"You come, look at me from different angles, from diffferent sides, and run away making me feel like a fool there!"
"Of course! what do you think? i am not such a fool who could not notice someone checking me out!"
"Wow! so it was "something" that made you not to come to me huh!"
"Listen! i do not you and you do not me. of what i think will make no difference to you whatsoever. But you have made for yourself a place in my heart where i will remember you only with hatred."
"You may be a good person and if so you do not have to get an award for it. just go away."

Song: Dil ko hazaar baar roka ...

A Proofless Life!

Today i felt the weather is just perfectly hot to be in Forum, roaming around there or read a book in the Landmark or sip a coffee at webworld. As always i enter the loo as soon as i get into the mall. And who i see there - a long lost friend. He is there and i couldnot believe he is there. We meet, he buys some peanuts from near the road, I detest them but share some. We sit at a place to the side of the "ramp" and continue talking. He speaks of his life till now. And i am more than happy to listen to him. He speaks of his school - three different ones in all and strong bonds everywhere. He speaks of his primary school where he had made many-many friends and all of them were lost ... for this long. He has discovered some of them through Orkut it seems but doesnot dare to meet them. I say how utterly ridiculous!

The he speaks of how he had been till tenth in one, after that, of which only memories remain. All who knew him in the school are now gone - all lost and scattered to wind! But still orkut has been helpful for keeping some of the lost ones to be met again. And then for the next two years he goes to a place very different to where he has been till then. He makes a few gud friends who keep in touch throughout.

After it came the college which literally "blows his mind". A place where you see and meet people in hundreds, who are not very different from you, though motivation and ambition might vary. Suddenly out to such an environment, he says, he struggles hard to keep himself afloat and survives! He says he was for a purpose there - and not just academics. A superior purpose of developing a personality and discovering himself. And when i asked if he was successful he answers in affirmative. I feel happy for this friend who has achieved what he wanted to, may be!

And then he asks me one question - if sometime i want to trace his life can i? I answer yes. But then he says correcting me - that i may trace his existence but not his life! Before i could ask anything he says he needs to leave. By this time it already has started raining. I do not ask why. I ask him if we can meet later ... he says sure, whenever! :) I see him off - he almost like gets camouflaged in the crowd of people and soon i no longer am able to trace him, standing at that entrance of forum! So i just start walking back to my home wondering really how proofless "lives" can be where u have no clue what happened in a life. You can say that a person lived here and did this but it was how he existed.

Song: I Will Never Let You Go

Ground Beneath my Feet!

I shall be thankful to (well not exactly, but then happy moments associated with) Rahul. Since the last 7-8 months i have known him, there has been a different aspect of life that i have discovered for sure. For one thing, i would have never done the thing i did before by birthday this year - which of course i will never do again :). And he, as sincere and dedicated as he is, was always there whenever we wanted him to be. And somehow - things have been very - very stabilizing in the past half a year. Strictly speaking very easy going and pampering - surrounded by sweet people, doing just the things i like, and living in some ether of sweet memories! And though things were happening - huge and loud - it was a period that, if i turn back and see, there was no motivation of moving on.

And this i am visualizing as a lot of peanuts in a bowl on which thick hot sugar syrup is being poured. After a time all of which just set into their places for ever ... but that was not going to happen with us. Therefore came a news of someone moving out - a peanut had revolted to go on - explore beyong this stagnation. The news did snap something somewhere but it had a welcome freshness in what was happening. No one can take his place. But i am sure it will give an inspiration to move beyond what we have done and explored.

Personally i think this is one of the best things that has happened to me in my life till now. I mean i couldnot notice one thing amongst so many happenings till now - that of the differences in levels of life we are in here! I am just at the beginning (- its not even a stupid beginning - have to do so many things build a proper one -) the one i desire and think i will lead in this life! (And i know i will have to work hard for it.) So it is good in the way it has provided me motivation and forced me to move out :) and hence "one of the best things". Thanks - to whoever and whatever is behind it! And so i discover the instability of the ground beneath my feet! Hope in these instabilities we will be able to meet again one day!

Song: Mr. Lonely ...