Dream For An Insomniac!

A late friday evening ... nothing much to do ... pouring outside cats and dogs ... lazing on the bed ... there I was browsing the TV channels. Caught up by a black and white movie that had quite modern technicalities, I wondered ... if it was new ... and then there was a subplot of alternative lifestyle - that fuelled my eagerness a bit more. Then a final confirmation of it being new came when i saw her - Jennifer Aniston. Usually I love her movies - she "tries" to act when not into comedies (The Good Girl for eg.) and its fun looking at her. Her movies always leave one with a good feeling. But this one particularly was not about her. This was about a curiously "Monica"-looking brunette (i do not remember her name). There was a coffee shop and there was no colour. No colour till one day she saw her blue eyed angel. Following the story was indeed revitalizing in many aspects and a force to believe was one of them. That believe in oneself, one's ideals and believe that what is meant, will come. Though not a very great one, or a very original one, or a very powerful one, there is so much truth in some of the parts and they stayed with me. "There are many medicore things to worry about in life. Love, should not be one of them!" Well as a (one more if you will) spoiler, the insomniac does dream at last. The time when she dreamt, I noticed it was time for me to get into the covers and have a share of them for myself too.

Song: A love before time ...

To Quit!

Longing to be out of one's body (for a while) is not a very unnatural desire. TO go beyond what you physicality can do and achieve what words would say "beyond" have always been a feature in ones imagination from time unknown. And that is exactly what he felt after reading that poem (Well a piece of text if not exactly a poem). Such out-of-the-body experiences were not rare to him but this time it lasted a bit longer and sure was a bit stronger. Thinking about everything he had and everything he did not have, he felt how thankful he was for having what he had. That how nothing he had done in this life made him worthy of having what he had. That how in another life and all lives to come he would pray to be just what he is now and nothing else. That how time has flown by and all these years, when they are passing by may feel a little too much to bear but as they are gone they feel so little a stretch, were not enough to tell the people he really cares about how much they matter to him. People may say that this is the simplest thing one can do, but he was sure after all these years that it requires a lot of courage to do that - to speak. He wishes he was courageous too but then he feels he is fine. It has turned out to be so much better than anything else - what he is. From always he had this fantasy of passing before any of his loved ones - not now but sometime long away in future. But Sitting there and thinking over it, he feels how stupid an idea that is. There is no limit of sorrow that befalls on the people who love you when you quit. Those very people have devoted so much for you - so much of their time, their feelings, their thoughts. There is no way he can give back for the things he has got, but he now knows how just by being there it will be different. Moreover, there is so much beauty to quit!

Song: -

People Are Not Options!

She was intelligent and she was right at this. He always was so confused (though he did not know it ... he was). With so many illusions and no one to help out (not that he had asked for help from anyone) he had his own notions and would do what he thought was right. Not that rain could stop falling just because he thought it was time to go out without getting wet. But then who doesnt like the best for oneself. The best job, the best place to stay, the best movie to watch, the best watch, the best laptop and camera, because all of them made one happy. (Someone very intelligent once said how It is actually the path that once takes to be happy that counts. But then unless the story is outrageoursly related to the movie industry, for general people, the path is more or less the same.)

Having put into situations that led him to one of the best in all aspects he was quite with the best things - education, ideologies, society, job, most of his material belongings - and he believed more of the best was on its way. This slowly led him to think how he can also juggle with people to have the best for himself. Not that he was a great people's person or for that matter a great juggler, but apart from the few that he really cared for, he did / didnot want to care for all others. He kept his options as to whether to like a person or not (depending on many sequences he called circumstances). Gradually that built a wall around him as there was never good enough a reason to like anyone (he did not know of it). Gradually the wall grew thicker, stronger, taller and that made him just an onlooker. Its easy to break a prison that has its keys with someone else, but when the key to your cell is with you, it is nearly impossible to get put ot it. Impossible, unless you get a councelling.

That evening then they talked about work and clothes and food and rain, they came to people, to him and what was happening to him. He couldnot get it at first as he had made it rather too confusing but then slowly he discovered how whatever one may think or do, a some Mr. Linclon will get only a Mrs. Linclon. Afterall, people are not options, they are people and that is what it is.

Song: She is a star ...

Just A Kid!

I thought he was just a kid. Chirping nature, more attention to others than to what he was doing (not that he was bad in what he did), new-fangled fashions even in the formal work environment (I had never seen him outside work), getting clarified each and every thing everytime he started to work, having interests that rarely matched that of people who had worked with me, he seemed the perfect example of a modern corporate employee. We all should have noticed at one point or the other the variety in one's thoughs die out or get reserved as one specializes. This reminds me of the time I had been to one of my cousin's place for an entrance examination who was then a medical intern. He was brilliant in physics during his high-school days and speaking about light i said him how a green leaf in maroon light will appear black. The reply to that came as - "well! you need to get out ideas of your mind to get in new ones". I dont comment on the validity of the statement but it has stayed with me.

Coming back to the kid here, he seemed like growing restless with time. I imagined how work can be different from academics and how the new kids get bored so very easily. And then one day he put down his papers. What followed was a series of discussions with him, the HR, his supervisor and me - everyone wanted to know the reason for this small stint (he was an achiever afterall). The ones I could understand were that of him being uneasy with the location. I put across a raise, a movement to a higher post (I couldnot offer him a location change as there were no headquarters there). His final words were "I do not want to be disrespectful sir, but I think it is just he correct time for me to move". Days passed without the HR managers being successful to make him stay and came his final day. It was raining and I went out for a smoke that afternoon. He was there too - I had to go to him for a light.

Apparently he had finished all the formalities."There is someone, I know I will never be able to get her, but whatever time we have, I want to spend it with her. Things you say I will get - they might be a little delayed but will come to me one day. This time, once gone, will not." I nodded and thought about the time I was building a career - I knew she was mine, so much that perhaps I had taken her for granted. I was busy in my own dreams and visions. I dont even know if she wanted to be a part of all that. Time was gone, not even remembered anymore - lost and gone - today I have everything else I had aspired for - everything else but her. We stood there and smoked, I had nothing to speak nor did he. Funny how so many years get finished within the time half a cigarrette bruns. As we entered the floor, Ron met us. Among other things he spoke to him, how he will be missed and how he had done a good job. "Same here sir, but Oh! thank God you are not my manager, because the way you explain things - its just very very very verbose, you see!". We all had a good laugh. He was just a kid.

Song: Queen of Hollywood ...

Sweet Like Chocolate!

They talked.

"She worked in the night shifts and liked it very much."
"Yeah, don't know about the work though but she was fond of the timings."
"I know! She thought it was as if when you sleep after work and everyone else is awake, they are taking care of you - not disturbing you consciously. And in the night when everyone is asleep and you are awake - you are looking at all of them - sleeping in their innocence."

Exactly the same way he looked when he slept - with his hair tousled and his brows drooped, he looked like a child - he always had.

"Do you remember how fat she had grown towards the end?"
"Yes, of course with all that sweet stuff she always kept having - God forbid anyone with such a desire of anything sweet."
"Of course, why have all that sugar and kill yourself."
"People say she went on gulping copious anything with sugar after he passed away. That made her sicker by every passing day."

He was such a conscious freak that he would never have anything sweet - she had told his sister once when they were in the high-school. In the school she would have a sweet custard and he would have French fries during the recess. At home she would have a cream roll while he would go for a chicken roll. At the weddings she would savor the cake and he would be content with the drink. At thanksgivings while she would be tasting all the puddings possible, he knew he would be having just the turkey. At their wedding he fed her the cake with his own hands and when her turn came, he just kissed her cream covered lips - that was all he had of it. And when they danced the ball in the reception, she had asked her in contempt about having the cake at least at this occasion. He had whispered to her, "You know Ruth, when we were kids, and the first time you had asked for that candy, I wanted you to have it so much that I just couldn't have it. And then the more I saw you the more I felt like me not having the sweets will make everything sweet for you. Call me crazy, but I had always wanted you to be happy and get all that you wished for. I love you Ruth." She had not known what to speak then. Everything was just so sweet like chocolate. Choked she had danced with her head resting on his chest.

Song: Bittersweet Symphony ...

Express!

"The thing about trains is - it does not matter if you don't know where to go, what matters is to get into the train." - said the conductor of the Polar Express to the boy one Christmas night. It was cold and snowy and he was just too numb with the amazement and tiredness of the journey he had just taken. In the numbness he felt asleep. The next morning he woke up and to his surprise Mr. C had got him the thing he lost - the emblem of his belief - the bell - you could hear it only if you believed. And believing he embraced it to continue doing so throughout his life.

She had looked and heard of these lines time and again when she had gone through this motion picture experience. She had traveled the Polar Express with belief always. And everytime she took on the journey, she experienced and noticed something brilliant about a larger journey called life. This time it was about confusion. A state of mind where you cannot take a decision as to what is white and what is black, what has to be done and which path has to be chosen. The question of right and wrong. Life is all about it. Criss crosses - lines and lives passing by, through and around other lines and lives. May be that is what it is - definition wise.Some regret of it being so, some dont knwo what to do about it, some feel elated with the thought of it, but eventually everyone accepts the eventuality of it.

Thinking on these and other lines she knew all her actions have been decided by her belief. And that while she did not always know where they took her, she knew she would get the threads end tied to some point where she would understand why she treaded the was she did. More importantly, there, at that point she would find the beginning of another thread. It was getting cloudy in the west - the golden lines had already engulfed the fiery one. She was sure though that those black patches were to go away. It never rained in the night at her place, especially during that time of the year. So she grabbed her crutches and stabilizing herself on them moved slowly one step at a time - to the Express!

Song: Her name was Lola, She was a showgirl

Of Superheroes - Random Thoughts!

A lonely hot day I would say. It was not the best of the days to go out and say visit a mall. But then it was best suited for being at home, lazing around and say watch the idiot box for a while. And that is exactly what I did. For hours hopping from one programme to another and from one channel to another, it felt I was back to the era when I was a kid, the television was new to me and the cable channels were new to the television! Revisiting transitioned into deeper hues when it revealed the kinds of programmes that I would wait for. Every weekends there was a special place and time reserved for the cartoons. Cartoons from Indian and the western genre were my favourites always as they let my imagination fly, as did most of the characters in the cartoon themselves. (About this we will talk later. But as of now ...) Reflecting upon that, now it comes to me how all of them were stories which showed the human spirit. The Heroe (if we will calling them so) has to undergo a lot of trouble, sorrow, troughs but then at the end of the day he evolves the winner. He does something for which he is best known for. America is one nation that I would say has provided us many superheros! The media is now also projecting Indian legendary characters as superheroes (aka Hanuman, Rama, Krisna ...). But one clear distinction between the American and other worldly heroes are that while the later ones live a life and have an end to their living, the former ones just dont die. No one ever knows how long hey have been here. They just came (all of them were born) and continue living - sometiems disguised among us and sometimes detached and away - as their heroic powers would make them apart from others.

Returning to this day I was talking about, I happened to see two heroes - one sauve and the other rough, One urban and the other from a jungle, one among sky-scrapers and the other among tall trees, one in a suit, and the other in a loin cloth, one trying to hide and the other unawar of his identity, one thinking and the other living, one about the world / the universe and the other just and island, one saving his own people and the other standing for what he knows are his people, one flying out of his power and the other flying with creepers, one Superman and the other Tarzan. (That also reminded me of how once I had read somewhere that Superman is actually a true superhero, as in he was born a superhero. Others became what they were under influence. While Superman had got his suit by birth, others created theirs. While superman never hid his face, the others had masks.) Strange but quite true. And that made me think how circumstances and locations make people superheroes of their people. How heroes not onluy have to save their people but also live their own lives. How the fact of being powerful and being potentially famous brinds drama into their lives. Not only into their lives, but into our lives too. I, who just wanted to cuddle up in the warm sheets and catch up something and anything on the television actually ended up visiting another neverland.

Blue Jacket On A koala!

Seven thirty in the evening and I was still not sure I was going to fly to a land far far away. I know these days distances do not mean anything at all. But in my opinion, its all a make-believe, something which people just do not try to think about, just so that they can feel safe - that is one feeling which drives mankind to do whatever it does. A warm feeling of security. That was in plenty at the place I was going to be in less than twelve hours. And that was there too at the airport - My heart always starts beating faster when I undergo a security check. And I am sure if they have a lie-detection test at that time, I would fail even at the question of whether I can breathe!

Anyways, after a lovely farewell by RT, Hennu and Tannu, I was all by myself. A delay over an hour for the departure and the announcement that the plane would take a slightly different route, were fueling my euphoria. And after all the waiting, I was there flying over an invisible but seemingly present ocean - and the sunrise was as beautiful as it could get ... the various shades of blue getting transformed in the bright light - animated :) The setting sun from my floor window reminds me of it a great deal, everyday.

Landing, security check - once again, and getting out of the airport in a taxi - into what can be described only as a theme park. Even the rain seemed so designed. one beautiful thing to notice (well everything is beautiful here) is the hospitality (no wonder it is a tourist center) and their way of handing something with both the hands (the hotel bill for example). Everything is so green that one can just keep gazing and never feel tired. The way the architecure seemlessly integrates with the nature is awesome - just echoing the fact how different people from all over have been residing here concealing all differences. Seemingly so, at least. (Later I came to know how Singaporeans and "the others" are differentiated with the policies, as everywhere else).

I still experience in my head, the rain from an air conditioned cab (did I mention that everything, well almost everything here is air conditioned, because of the humid weather). Gazing outwards in the cab, with the seat belt on (always - or else a huge fine is imposed) I would wonder what kind of a destiny the islad had (everything has certain things decided for itself) ... from just a community of fishermen with coconut leaf huts to a business hub with infrastructure itself worth a chunk of the entire global economy, this place sure had some huge changes to see.

Parks, ferries, Malls, lights n ribbons, pubs, saunas, market places, eat outs, gyms - this place sure has more to offer always. On my way to and from work I missed and talked about India to the cab drivers - friendly people who faintly knew what/where Bangalore is. One asked if it is so much colder that it snows. There were other people too, from Australia for the project thing ... I was gifted a very cute koala with a blue jacket! :) And suddenly I felt the nostalgia is just a thing to pass ... the days are numbered and so living in the present is so important!

Song: Livin' Lavida Loka ...

Sunshine!

It was the night before Valentine's day and I had put in a CD of what I had heard will be a sweeping motion picture! And it began with "Random thoughts for Valentine's day, 2004. Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap". How apt! From then on, it clinged on to me as it is even now! Joel and Clementine were so out of the world, still so lovable. What makes two souls come together will always remain a riddle for me. In my experience, what makes two people even like each other is pre-determined. Eyes communicate and speak volumes. And then when there is a possibility of liking, there is always the one who initiates. How and why, I do not understand as I have not experienced it yet. Just as in liking, there is always the one who likes more (There is always a one in a relationship who loves more. I do not want to be that one).

Everything that is created out of a liking has to be worked on, just as anything else. It has to be dusted and polished to be kept alive. There is always the one who wants to go away. And then there is the other one who does one of these two things - "lets go" or "asks to stay"! So many people that I met and made friendship with or did not like much and still remained in touch, and so many other people about whom I heard in the gossips or normal discussions fall in the former type. Even myself. I do not understand why does it become so difficult to say it in reality - to stay! Just stay ... why? ... i do not know ... just stay! That is what Clementine tells her Joel and as Joel tells his Clemecmy! They laugh in confusion - they dont know why. There are always such moments when we just do not know what to do - just smile / laugh! May be because there is a hope of what is coming will surely be great.

Joel: It would be different if we could just give it another go-around.Clementine: Remember me. Try your best. Maybe, we can.

I bet all the broken hearts everywhere have these same lines to speak. But they just dont do it aloud.

With that sunshine spilling all over ... the sunshine that shook my sleep away, that turned the night into a day and that made the day after so sunny that I just couldnot be out in the sun, made me stay home all day long ... thinking. How much right do we have on our own selves? This is MY body, this is MY mind, these are MY memories, and we go on. Whereas in reality it all belongs, is provided by, is built by someone else. However easy it might be to deny and reason otherwise.

Song: Some time!

Such A Lovely Place!

An early morning after a late night, I am sure, does not sound good. When it happened, it did not seem good too! But then what happened after, was surely, surprisingly and excitingly good!
Aunty, Palls, RT and me - all boarding a cab with KP - dropping him at Cubbon and heading ahead - me in the front and the rest at the back seat. The morning showed it was going to be a memorable day! Among the first things that struck my notice was this huge fly-over - on the way to Mysore it was there for a long stretch - reminded me of some street (i dont remember it anymore as it was in one of my unnamed adventures at Mumbai 4 years back) and also of what Hosur Road, Bangalore will look like in 4 years from now! A piece for letting imagination fly, am sure!

Soon after we crossed this marvel, what was supposed to be a "chatting all the way" became a slumber for the back-seaters! And I gazed on from the huge highway that carried us so peacefully to some place where they say the past resides! Thinking of past, I felt in those rocky montains, a similarity and homeliness of the very first family picnic my mind could remember. Of that and all those we ever had and of the vast openness that my village visits gave me to wonder and wander on ... I felt would never come back. Growing up sure keeps somethings for the memories. You just cannot do them as you did them as a kid. You just couldnot stop the car and go ahead and move around in the foothills till it grew dark, unless you were out for moutaineering that is! But you sure can go to a particular site, which would give you a beautiful sight of the sunset - just like the one we had in Abu. I will surely remember it! I thought I just can remember it! But surprises are always in store!

ThiruNarayana temple - was our first stop (How I wish I could have a cam of my own to have so many snaps of the places I visit and from all the angles my eyes could make at them - will have one very soon). Everything was enchantingly mesmerizing. Divinity and Sanity flooded the place with light, even in those dimly lit sanctorums. The first meal of the day at the MahaLaxmi temple was quite a treat! We left and moved on to the Narasimha temple on the hilltop! Reaching there, covering the way on the stairs reminded of Abu again. With every step the tiredness grew and what I had thought would remain just to remember was there - right in front of my eyes again - the same vastness that showed us the sunset two years back. What goes away, sure goes away to come back. Everything was beautiful in that lovely place!

The palace was a quick visit post-lunch and a shopping that I think became syonymous with Sophie's choice. With all its grandeur the palace stood ... but I could not hear anyone talking about what its soul was / is. Rather what its body is right now was much of a concern ... a thing about obvious beauty (I will talk about this sometime). Later, the gothic Church seemed to superimpose and jam the thought processes for a while. Returning, the sunset was not visible or may be I forgot how it looked like ... as the things I saw in that single day were still getting processed by my mind ... settled and racked.

Song: Are you kidding!

Surrendering More!

Its half past eight in the evening and here I sit on the third floor of this building - Its call America. Its situated at the heart of this city, its supposed to be in the main business district and is located in a visually posh part of this city! Chennai - I had all kinds of apprehensions about this place! Wondering how it would be, how it would treat me and how I would relate to it! To my surprise, it is just another place, a city that is huge - much bigger than Bangalore is. It is humid (as of now it is just cool and not hot) a bit and I am loving it. People are surely amused by me - the voice and the hair! :) But that is going out as a positive as they come by so good and loving - to be particular, quite respectful - most of the time! The autowallas are a nightmare and, I think being a city, it just has everything in its every damn corner - redundancy I mean! This is my first experience of getting exposed to a city. Life has been quite a steady ladder till now. Ramagundam (Completely isolated), Kahalgaon (partly remote), Gandhinagar (Well what can I say), Bangalore (the first city) and then Chennai - it all seems so very planned and incremental that I just surrender more! :) I still have to find a house, a place which I think I will keep as I had dreamt of it in Bangalore. Quite an urgent removal of me from the city it was - kind of thrown out of the place - but I think faster the pace, lesser the pain of removing a band-aid! I wish and hope I am taken care of all the while I am here. Right now a colleague is helping me get back to the guest house. It has got a toaster there and I am having a lot of breads! Would get back with more soon! Many things to speak about but this one came first. With many epilogues to come, if things dont seem in order, just go by :)

Song: NA

The Ear-rings that looked silver!

Now the sunday was quite a day for me. I was at home in the morning ... woke up and thought would just relax. But then Yatin's friends came over for some meeting they had. I dint know the poeple nor did i like their presence. So just stayed back at home till the time i could withstand them. (We have talked it through now and found out a solution :) thanks to him.) So i was waiting and wishing for some engagement. Then he called - for the information he had to get from me for some thesis of his. We had talked a few days back but i forgot. I was elated that he called for the remainder of the meeting which was set in half an hour and just more than happy to leave my room!

CCD - he was before time and i was sipping cola as i reached. I mean what the hell was that? I was going to a coffee bar and just before that i was having chilled cola! I dont know but i found it awkward. He was ready already ... for it - with pen and paper and tape ... and his own self. As i sat he explained me about his thesis, his intentions from the meeting and if i had any doubts. I said no and we proceeded.

My native, family, parents, siblings, my personal life, college, bangalore, work, interets, hobbies, stay - everything covered we were also about to finish the coffee. He was having latte (hazelnut flavour) while i had cappuccino (Irish flavour). The meeting ended with all of what i said in shortnotes and tape. And we spoke about his life too ... in brief. I desperately wanted to pay the bill as since last 3 days i was being paid for, by the ones i was goign out! So i grabbed it and started off to pay.

We bade goodbye with the formal thanks and stuff. I was thinking about how the meeting going on at home should have come to an end now. And how i could just o to my cozy bed and relax. We walked in opposite directions though i wanted call him and ask about his earrings. Just that if the ear-rings that looked silver were really silver!

Song: Hazaron Khwahishein Aisi ...

Sometimes!

Now this is something he always used to think when he saw her:

Passing stranger! you do not know
How longingly I look upon you,
You must be he I was seeking,
Or she I was seeking
(It comes to me as a dream)

One day his best friend came to him and said how she was having so much trouble with her. Though she loved him and he loved her, she was not able to understand her completely. And he listened to the best friend for a long time, suggest where he thought he could help and the best friend left to sleep. He was left with wondering thought ... is people are in love, why and how do they not understand each other! Wondering about such things he went to sleep, he not knows when.

Soon he saw a great fight and the best friend left the place for a long long time. And she was left with just him. They would meet everyday and walk for a long time. (Yes she loved walking. She would say they should keep walking so that they can think more with every passing screen of air and they can talk more with every moment of being together while passing through space!) He would agree as other male friend of his never walked so much. And then they would go for movies, study for the exams together and she would always bring the vanilla flavoured ice-cream for her whenever she happend to go out! He had once told her that was his favourite.

One cold and wet evening it was raining hard. He was all wet from coming to the canteen without and umbrella and he saw her sitting by the window. A little time later he came to her with two cups of hot coffee. As they sipped she told him how the ebst friend had come back and how this has opened a flood of emotions for him as well as her. He had no idea about it and was now wondering if he was really his "best friend".

He assured her how the best friend had strong feelings for her and how she should gibe it a try once more. He began speaking about relationships and misunderstandings and how tough it can get and how one should leave behind all of them for the pure and simple reason of just love. He felt himself having grown up and become a lot intellignt than the night he was wondering about the same things he had lectured. And I feel sometimes, you just write. The sentence ends there!

Song: Beautiful ...

The Show!

It was four and she was praying. It was sunny but she felt coudy. It was breezy but she felt suffocated. Everything was inviting but she felt restricted. It was then in the sunny afternoon when he sent a message to her for the play that was goign on in the nearest theater. The show was in the evening. The theater was nearest to him but so far to her. And then at the end of the message he had asked ... "hope you do not mind coming so far". To that she replied ih the message ..."Non not a problem. I shall be there by the time!".

The theater was on a hill. So distinct and so grand. She had heard but not yet seen as she had never been to that part of the polis. And she prepared herself for the evening. She was so indifferent to the event that was going to happen that she was dressed just casually. Still her locks falling by her shoulders and a simple gown of black and white made her look as graceful as ever. Used to the admiring looks from passersby she placed herself in the carriage and it moved.

By about the sunset she reached the point on the hill where they were supposed to meet. She looked her through the carriage and waved. And he helped her get down. They talked and he said her, "I though you would be taller". She said,"Of i am, than many!". And they laughed. He said how this place was one of the best theaters in the polis and one of the oldest and grandest. How he had started coming there just as a child. She sure was imprressed. They went in and the show began.

She knew it was by Shakespeare - a story of human relationships - a story of mistrust, misplaced trust and dilemma. She had read Othello already and was excited to watch it on stage. He had no idea about it! So he expected what was not goign to come. And by the time Desdemona's handkerchief was being circulated among so many people he was completely bersek! She was understanding and started explaining him about the play's emotional content that was guided by jealousy - strangely among men and not women in this case, and human nature in general. She was so swept by Desdemona's dedication ... she wished she could be one!

It was cold and silent when Othello stabbed himself. She could hear suppressed sobs from somewhere and her own throat was heavy. She knew they would leave the theater and leave for their homes in a while. But what all she could think of was dedication of Desdemona. How one can surrender all of oneself in love inspite of what the other person is, whatever happen may! She had prayed for a fine match this afternoon and what she was given was a quality that one requires to have in order to be worty of someone really good. May be one day when HE knows she is worty of it, she will get the one made for her.

Song: -

One that is Perfect!

And we sat at the Barista after a long and tiring (for him and refreshing for me) walk. I had a blast and so did he. I always wanted to have it since the time i had a severe cold and had to have a hot cinammon coffee and he had a blast). Yeah, now that was ages ago. We continued talking ... about people, himself, his family, myself, my family, the weather, the smoke - the one that was floating strandwise inside and the foggy one that was outside, movies - i was excited about the animation ones as usual, and then to people again.

That how poeple have a list (consciously or otherwise) of things that should be present and get matched precisely in one so as to begin a relationship. There should be no compromise at all. In a way that is good as one need not make her/himself sad at any point with the trouble of adjusting with someone in a relationship. That might also prevent the circumstances of making one fall out of a relationship. That, i really wonder, if is happening any lesser than it used to, in the past. But how much have i seen the world to comment at all!

And then this thought came rushing into my mind - that of our parents ... the generation before us - basically to tag it so. How was the relationships sustained in that generation? How did poeple come closer in that era? How did they liked and stood by the person they were in a relation with, inspite of all the flaws in her/him? Were the lives of those people any sadder, if not happier? I wonder and I wonder and I wonder where will the process of finding the one that is perfect will ever stop! Should it would be even a better question.

Song: Maker Makes ...

Late One Night!

Early in the morning had to wake up for another round of reactive that was going to be for this entire week. Came home in the eveing, had dinner and was just chatting with everyone. Just then heard some music - the backgroud score of some movie that was playing in the other room. Yatin said it surely is a telugu movie that Ram is watching again. But i felt i had heard it somewhere. And then came this song - papa kehte hain ... I jumped out of the bed. I knew this was the movie - i desired of it - was thinking to show it to mom since the time she was here. Quayamat se quayamat tak is one of mom's favoutrite movie. I myself had seen the flick many times earlier. But this time it was with her. It so happens that when i watch a movie, it has an entirely different effect compared to when i watch them with my parents. My view about Zubeida, Veer Zara and QSQT are only a few examples.

So four of us - Ramu, myself, mom and Saurabh went ahead and watched it from the beginning till the end. Surely Was a wonderful experience. Everyone was gaga over Juhi's performance and all talks abut how kid-like Aamir looked! :) Such few songs and all superhits. Nuances - which of course i was explaining and other stuff too. Every now and then Ramu would keep telling how long the movie has been running for and still not a bit boring. Saurabh seemed like watcing just Juhi on screen. Mom was like re-living every frame. And i was so happy - putting it bluntly.

Late that night when the movie finished at 2 i recollected it as one of my beautiful experiences since i started staying at Bangalore. At least one, which was truely worth of getting late for work.

Song: Ghazab Ka hai Din Dekho Zara ...

Strangely ... They just sang!

It was a cloudy evening. He had come this town from the town he had been working. To this place where there were so many memories of his childhood associated with. He had shifted from a remote beautiful place then. That seems a long back story. Things have changed a lot now. Its no more a small cold and wet town. It has transformed itself into a dry, cool and breezy city. Breeze - now that reminds me of the air, the one that keeps blowing ... and of the people who keep flowing across the city. A city that is now considered so apt for corporates. Well! that is a different story ... so he was here.

And it was not too late when she was in the kitchen heating water for her gargling for her sore throat. This was suggested to her by a dear friend. (We will talk about him some other time as this is not his story, this is his story - the other his.) It was then that she got a call from him. They talked about the beautiful weather, her sore throat, when he was going to leave, how her family was doing, how her work has been, how his family was doing - and they agreed to meet somewhere where he was supposed to recharge his SIM card. She gargled, changed, took her half jacket in case it would be cold and left her appartment.

They met at this place which he said - was so much wide those days. He told her how he wanted to take her to a place where there was a fair being organised of the region where she belonged to. She said she couldnot wait to be there. And they were there. The looked at the "pattachitras", which were awesome. They looked at the kantha and sambalpuri sarees which they couldnot stop admiring. They also looked at the intricate woodwork. The carpets were as beautifully romantic as ever. And there were spices and pickles, paintings and jewellery, incense and heena, and they were just lost.

He got a call - and she got a slight jerk - he talked and she moved around. In between he asked if she was getting bored. She smiled wide and said, "oh pelase carry on - its so great here, i just cannot stop looking". She was hearing (over-hearing) but she did not want to. He was coming nearer talking and she wanted to move away - she was moving away. Everytime she paused he would come closer talking on the phone. It seemed it was a long ... long call. And strangely she couldnot know the reason. Then she came out of the fair with him after her. He finished his call and she suggested to take a walk to his place before she moved to hers. And they walked. She sang and he joined. she did not talk - she just sang. And they walked before they said goodbye.

Song: Piya Tora Kaisa Abhimaan ...

Gone and Away!

And this just happens so much - while one goes away someone comes in to fill the spaces. Not exactly the same way as it was filled up before but in some other way. In some form that is unique and in somw way that would not have been the same. It doesnt seem far when this guy from the then "not my" team was selected to train me for working in the team. Since then our desks were fixed. He sitting just behind me and helping me as and when required with just a call away! This has really been a special time as i could not have got a better work environment. He made my stay real easy and i wonder how it will be once he is left.

But then i think it is always like that. People who relly love you are there when you get into something - to support you and make you life for that moment easy. And what better example can be that of our parents? Remember the time when you first held their fingers and took your walk? No you wont. Remember the time when they helped you with your first lessons in cycling? Yes you would! Well that is it. They are just there to give you a foothold and then you grow and climb upwards!

And now that he just has a week left, it is being such a thing - the sweet feeling that comes when you know that though this is not the end, it is going to come soon and then there will be no coming back, but everything is happening for the best as it does ever. The refreshing feeling that brings a smile on one's face and the beautiful feeling of letting something go (not that you can do much about it here :)). The wonderfully fulfilling sense which comes with one knowing that soon someone of certain importance in one's life is going to be far and away!

Song: Janeman Janeman Palat Teri Nazar ...

Spread it Wide!

A beautiful weather outside. Clouds so nearby, wind on such a high! And today is the day juniors would come to this place as i had come one day! So was hoping to dee some in the lunch, but none was visible. We took a small walk - with my colleagues - and then had a small chitchat in the lawn. but when it started to drizzle, we came back. I was just on the desk for a moment when i felt i was thirsty! So moved to fetch some drinking water!

Saw my practice head sitting by the window ... windows are small in our section. Somtimes i wonder how it is a strange thing in an office with buildings having huge large glass pane windows that i am put in a building where neither windows have any importance or they have any see. Of all people it seems i shud be kept enclosed in many boundaries. And may be becasue of that, destiny allocated me such particularly closed space to spend a huge chunk of my time.

And then i think may be it serves anopther purpose! A purpose where the need to look and observe is not towards out but its focussed mainly inwards. Something that is difficult to understand but something that should be understood. Having a tendency to move away from myself and look into a space that is other than mine, i am sure it was high time for me to look inside. May be it was time for me to know myself better before proceeding any further in life. And so there is this enclosure where i would encounter myself many times more than others!

But it is not about that. It is about a feeling of mine where i dream of moving away (as talked up there) not in terms of walking, but something of the sort of flying away. And the feeling was concretised by the visualisation of X-men 3 where there is this guy with huge white feathery wings. The feeling of spreading my huge wings wide and giving myself one push which will take me high towards the wide spread blues.

So passing past the cubicles, away from mine, looking at my practice head - who has so much work to do and so many obligations to fulfill - just staring through the small brickless space which we call window, this feeling was reborn in me! To be a huge birdie and just fly away to somewhere - into vasts of space!

Song: Humko Hamein Se Chura Lo ...

And She Walks!

There were many things. But let me just talk of lights, music and action! He sits there watching the space in front of him. He thinks he is interested in the creations of a man! And so he looks forward for their display. Everything seems glam. He seems lost. He thinks not. Everyone look pretty. He asks not why. He smiles wide - because someone said it was good. :) And then she comes in. Comment on her awkward posture - isn't her upper body bent backwards? Well but then she cares not! She smiles and sways and walks and shows! And she seems happy till she turns. What she sees - is not sure ... whom she shows - is no sure ... as the floodlights sure would have blinded her!

He thinks he wants to smell her, but not touch her. But he cannot as she is far. Her hair is well made ... with a huge pink lilly in it. She wears just clothes and accessories dont show. She kind of slides on the floor when she walks and the drags flow away from her. Her neck long and stiff and her collar bones showing so prominent. Almost a spotless skin - gleaming where it shows ... beginning from where the clothes end! The heels she wears would be tall are transparent.

Transparent but she is not! Seems her glowing skin just reflects every thought that is pointed towards her. Seems as if whatever is inside her does not come out of the glasshouse. Seems she would be here for long but then as she would be gone ... she would not be there at all. What a pity to be just gone, as you are gone! What a pity to be there and then to be gone and not to be remembered! But seems, she doesnot care! She turns round and round and round and then the lights move on to some other one! He observes the resemblance but similar and same were never the same and never would be!

He waits again for such a moment which was gone and will always be cherished. A moment where everything else is frozen but she, just she looks and she walks.

Song: A one night stand ...